I don't really want to get into too much detail, but I need your help.
I've been kind of bitchy.
To my husband.
I shouldn't be. It's (95% of the time) mostly for no reason at all. Sometimes he's a jerk, sure, but mostly he's good.
I am being very disrespectful.
I used to be uber nice, didn't let the small stuff get to me, made sure I treated the ones I loved with respect and sweetness, and somehow I lost that.
I need to get it back because my husband doesn't deserve it and it's hurting our marriage.
So. How do you make sure you aren't bitchy, or snappy, or mean for no good reason?
How do you be sure to be sweet?
Help me out ladies.
That is hard sometimes when maybe your mood is just not in the "sweet" place. I would just start by doing something nice for him and maybe that will continue the being sweet to your husband...especially if you reflect on all your good memories between the two of you!
ReplyDeleteMy husband and I went through a very rough period (2-3 years!), and are only recently emerging from it. I tend to have a very sharp tongue, so I can relate to what you are struggling with.
ReplyDeleteMy best advice is to hold your tongue. Before you speak, think about if what you are saying needs to be said and if there is a nicer way to say it. Work to remove any snarkiness or sarcasm from what you are going to say. Find things to compliment him on. Monitor what you say about him to other people and what you allow others to say about him in your presence (don't know if that is an issue with you, but hearing your mother/sister/best friend/brother say, "It drives me crazy when he does XXX..." really does have an effect on you. You don't have to change their feelings; just say that you would appreciate if they wouldn't share their negative comments with you). When someone does say something negative, respond with something positive about him. Apologize when you say something cross or negative to him - the sooner, the better.
Also, try to figure out if you are stressed or upset about something (involving him or not)? Are you taking out your stress/anger/frustration on him because he is the closest person to you and easiest target? If so, what is a better way to deal with it? Sometimes taking the time to get to the root of the problem makes all the difference in how you handle it.
I hope that things get better!
Take a deep breath.
ReplyDeleteRepeat as needed, especially when you are about to respond to him.
You have a lot on your plate, mama. Being snappy at your husband is merely a symptom - poor guy is closest, easiest, and safest to target. Many guys aren't much for talking but maybe it's time for a heart-to-heart? He'll know where you're coming from when you act bitchy and it may be a relief to you to spill your guts. I hope you find some good suggestions in your comments and good luck. Controlling yourself when you feel like acting out is hard :(
It a hard thing when your husband is your best friend and the closest target. Mine takes the brunt of any mood I happen to be in. We try very hard to give each other kisses, say I love you and thank each other for the little stuff like taking out the trash or doing dishes. It only takes a second and lets the other person know you appreciate them even if 5 seconds later you call them an asshole :)
ReplyDeleteI drink a glass of wine (or otherwise disengage myself slightly from reality in another fashion) and then I apologize. REALLY apologize. And then I give him a kiss, and think about when we were first dating, and I would bend over backwards to show him how much I wanted him to like me, even though I knew he did. And then I usually cry, and then we usually have sex. It's not as awkward as it sounds, I promise.
ReplyDelete...and there's also frequently ice cream.
First (and I'm speaking to myself too), find what you really, really love about him. Remember what drew you to him. Act like that. Try to find at least 3 things everyday that you just adore and start treating him like those good things are all that he's made out of. It's amazing what a little nudge and little appreciation can do. I love your honesty. And the fact that you are trying.
ReplyDelete1. Practice the Golden Rule
ReplyDelete2, Refrain from sarcastic wise cracks no matter how difficult or unnatural it may be because they are hurtful.
3. Again, even if it seems unnatural or forced, compliment him on little things he does for you, for your children and remind him how much you love him
4. Learn the 3 hardest words to say in combination, "I am sorry"
I have been HORRID to my husband. HORRID.
ReplyDeleteAnd do you know why? B/c I've been so stressed out lately and he's my safe person to spill all my crap on. I know he'll still love me.
I've been trying deep breaths before I speak.
I can't really help you with this. If I could, we would be saving A LOT of money on marriage counseling. Ahem.
ReplyDeleteIf you figure it out, let me know :-)
I always pretend like someone else is watching...or like the windows are open.
ReplyDeleteWe're much more likely to keep our bitchy selves under wraps if someone else could hear. I also remember that however I treat Husband (or vice versa) will be a permission on how the Crazies will treat him. That is a very thin line to tread.
Also, I remember my single Mom friends and how much I have to be grateful for (even if he does annoy the shit out of me sometimes...it's better than doing it alone).
He said something to piss me off the other night and rather than firing back, I took a shower, and reversed the situation in my head. Although I would have handled the situation differently, I still would have been pissed...then we talked.
The fact that you're acknowledging it and want to do something about it is huge...you're under a lot of stress, but remember who your rock is...you need him. Good luck...this marriage shit is hard!