Almost Christmas, almost vacation!

So PJ has two teeth, and he's cuter than ever.  Still can't quite see them in a picture, but soon I am sure.  I cannot wait till Wednesday when I am then off till January 4.  It's going to be a great time to spend with my family.

As excited as I am about PJ's first Christmas, I am still annoyed about Christmas Eve.  Isn't it terrible?  We went to see my parents Saturday and I made the gravy, and my soon to be chef husband made the manicotti.   I just feel like it's not gonna feel like Christmas at all and I hate that I feel this way.  I love my mom so much, and as much as everyone tries to be happy, it's depressing, no matter what.   Terry went shopping while we were there Saturday, so she was sitting for awhile.  When he got home he tried to have her walk and she couldn't; he ended up having to carry her back to her chair.  It's just sad.

Anyway, my little boy makes everything better.  He really is the greatest.

Sometimes I wonder...

Sometimes I wonder what a wreck I would be if PJ wasn't in my life right now.

On Saturday, PJ and I went to my parents (John had to work).   We were talking about Christmas Eve, and John and I had previously discussed going over there in the afternoon, before his Aunt & Uncle's, so my parents could see PJ awake, and we thought it would be better than going there around 830 as we always did, since my mom is in the state she is in.  My mom started crying, bawling, how she wanted it to be how it was before, with us coming over in the evening.  Could we change it? Yes.  Of course.  WE'll go there, and go to Aunt Lee's late.  Not a big deal.

But you know what was a big deal?  The fact that when she was crying, I couldn't understand her.  That's normal, you're thinking.  It's hard to understand most people when they are crying.   No - she sounded, and forgive my use of this word, retarded.  She sounded like someone who is unable to speak trying to speak.  It was awful.   Terry started crying.  She said she hated herself.   I was frozen.  Tears were streaming down my face, but I didn't know what to say or what to do.   Terry then called me out of the room to tell me this might be her last Christmas.  Which I KNOW.  Which I bawled my EYES OUT to John about Thursday night.  But to hear Terry say it, I don't know.

The worst part of it is, that I don't want to go to their house instead of John's Aunt Lee's.  Because I feel awful there.  Because it makes me so mad, sad, angry, I don't know.  I don't want to feel that way on PJ's first Christmas.  And then I feel even WORSE that I feel that way to begin with.  What kind of selfish asshole doesn't want to see her own mother on Christmas when she's sick???  What the fuck is wrong with me.  Why when I am sitting in their house, I sit there thinking how it's probably gonna end up being our house, because, well my mom is going to have to be somewhere without stairs real soon.  And how bad is it that I like the idea that their house might be our house??? WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME.

I get annoyed that she calls me, leaves a message, then doesn't even give me a chance to call back.  But then I wonder -- did she forget she called?  I don't think memory loss is a symptom, but really, who the fuck knows?    John hasn't seen her since Thanksgiving, and I feel like she's gotten so much worse.  I hate watching Terry help her up the stairs.  I hate how her arms just lay there, lifeless and unable to do anything.   I hate seeing her like that and it's causing me to hate seeing her at all and I am so mad at myself for feeling this way.  But I don't know what to do.

And, now we have a tooth.

Man, apparently this is the week for milestones.  First standing, now the tooth, wonder what my little happiness will do today?

This week is taking forever, and I am sure next week will too, since we are on vacation in two weeks.  I cannot wait -- 11 glorious days with my little guy and my big guy! :) 

Lots of things to look forward to.   First, we got a Christmas bonus today even though they said we weren't going to.  Second, Saturday is our annual Christmas dinner with the Blairs -- and this year, the newly married and newly pregnant McGraths are joining us as well.  We are taking a limo and doing it up IN STYLE, yo.  Haha.  I can't wait though it should be so much fun.

Sunday, Santa's coming.  Not that PJ will know, or care, but I still am excited for his first Christmas picture with Santa.  It's going to be so cute.  And the Simmonses and our nephew are joining us so it should be so much fun.   Then we have to finish up some christmas shopping, and then it's almost Christmas and time for vacation.  YAY!!!!

Guess who can pull himself up to stand?

Oh that's right.  He did it twice last night while I was there helping a bit, and this morning I came out of the shower, and there he was, grinning away and standing like a big boy.  It's seriously so funny how one minute he can't do something and the next, BAM, he's a pro.  I can also SEE his tooth -- there's a hole, and it wants to come out, it just hasn't yet.  Come on tooth!!!

We'll finish decorating the tree tonight, can't wait to see PJ's face with all the lights.  :)

YAY for Christmas with kids.  It really makes it better. :)

Very thankful today.

Yesterday I found out my SIL and BIL are probably getting separated.  Although it's not a huge surprise, it is a shock it's happening so soon.  Their son just turned one.   It made me think how lucky I am that John and I have such a good relationship and are each other's best friend.  Yes, we have our fights -- believe me -- but I could never imagine thinking that separating was the next best step.  It makes me so happy that PJ has both his mommy and his daddy to take care of him at all times.

I am also thankful for the chockful of estrogen I'm going to be around tomorrow.  I've got a holiday gathering with some great girls who are from my internet board, who have turned into some of my closest friends, and then tomorrow night going to my oldest friend in the world's house for some girl/baby/fun time.  Tomorrow is gonna be a good day.  Then Sunday we are decorating our Christmas tree.  I cannot wait to see how excited PJ is about the lights and everything...which makes me wonder...where will he be while we are decorating?? That should be interesting!!! Might have to wait till he goes to bed!  He gets into everything nowadays.

Hello, my name is Lisa and I am addicted to POAS.

I am gonna do it again tonight or tomorrow.  And if it's a BFN (which it will be) I am going to get some ovulation tests.  I at least want to know if I am ovulating or what the fuck.  It's amazing to me my period still hasn't come, and PJ is nursing less, and eating solids.  I think the pumping is what's preventing it, because my body still thinks I am nursing 8 times a day.  That has got to be it.  But I hope I am ovulating!  I wish the fucking things weren't so expensive.  But the line ones are too hard to figure out, so I am getting some digital ones.  If I go through those with no positive, then I'll hit up the dollar store.  Or maybe vice versa.  I could spend $27 on 27 tests or $27 on 7 tests.  I guess I should be economical here.

I still am holding on that I got pregnant around our anniversary, which would just be the ultimate in perfection.  Since my happiness was pretty much the only good (and when I say good, I mean PHENOMENAL) thing to happen this year, I think I'm due since there's only 30 days left in 2009.  Right??

A little sad.

My dear friends Melanie and Julie are both currently pregnant.  Mel is pregnant with her second and is due in February, Julie her first and is due in May.  The six of us (us and our husbands) are going to celebrate Christmas with dinner in a couple weeks.  I can't help but feeling so sad that they are pregnant and I am not.    PJ is my happiness and the greatest thing in the world and in my life.  I just can't wait to see him with a little brother or sister and I loved being pregnant.  I love being a mom.  I just want my fricking period to come already!  People have started asking when we are going to have another one, and I hate that I pretty much CAN'T get pregnant right now.  Sigh.

I would love, love, love to be pregnant before the year is over.  I have my fingers crossed.  I thought I had some EW or CM or whatever the fuck it is esterday, but I was never good at figuring that shit out.  But if I did, that's good that we had ourselves some sex on Saturday night.   So we shall see. 

Almost Thanksgiving.

My happiness's first thanksgiving. I can't wait to have him try all the delicious foods.

My friend's mom passed away from a long battle with cancer on Friday.  Although we were expecting it, it still sucks.   And I can't help but think about things that are sad.

I don't know what next Thanksgiving will bring.  I don't know if I'll be in a similar situation or things will be okay.  I am not sure I want to know.

Finally the weekend.

Got an unexpected day home with my happiness yesterday -- our sitter was sick.  Poor little guy had a rough night though - those teeth are breaking through, but taking their sweet time.  I wish they would just hurry up.  I hate when he's in so much pain!  we're going to pick up a new toy for him this weekend...don't want to wait till Christmas.   He deserves it, anyway.  :)

Anyway, on our impromptu day together we went to visit my mom.  It was a sad ride home.  It's hard for me to go there and see this woman, Joy (her home care helper) that has to feed my mom, help her to the bathroom, etc.  To see how desperately my mom wants to hold PJ while I run to the bathroom, or feed him or what not.  I fucking hate it so much.  And how last year at this time, she could have done all of that and more.  I fucking hate this devastating disease. 

She still wants to go to Ruth's Chris on NYE -- we've gone the past three years, my mom's treat.  She desperately wants to go.  So I am going to call and explain our situation and hopefull RC's will pull through in the clutch.

Fuck you ALS.

Happy Anniversary to us!

Today is our two year anniversary.   I can't believe two years ago right now I was getting ready for my awesome, kick ass, perfect wedding.  And leaving for Maui tomorrow.  Wow, wouldn't that be nice.

What a great marriage so far.  We've had our ups and downs, but we are each other's best friend and that's so important.  We have an amazing son who is just the light of our lives.  There is nothing better than being a parent, no better sound than hearing your little one giggle, no better touch of the face that your baby brushing his hand on your cheek.  The creation of your family.  It is incredible.

We're hoping to start making our family a little bigger...maybe tonight will be lucky for us.

Happy Anniversary Baby!!

 

So I POAS today.

It was negative.   I don't know why I am surprised, I mean I still haven't gotten my period.   I am still hoping for an anniversary baby.

I miss being pregnant.  There's just something about walking around knowing you're growing your future child inside you.   I loved it.  I love feeling PJ move around, kicking, hearing his heartbeat at the doctor.   Plus, I love the idea of an August baby.  Perfect time between PJ and the new little one, nice maternity leave for me.  I am a little sad.  But I still have my happiness and that is the greatest thing ever. I know it will happen soon enough, but I thought it would also be super cool to have PJ wear a "I'm gonna be a big brother" tshirt under his christmas outfit....we shall see what happens.

Missing Neo.

Our sitter's dog died yesterday.    I have decided I can't handle things like this.  I am a wreck today thinking of my poor Neo.   He was the greatest dog ever and his life was so unfairly cut short.

Again, thanks for my happiness or 2009 would FUCKING BLOW.

Oh, but PJ is standing! and clapping!

Blah, Mondays. Does anything good ever come out of Monday??

PJ has a fever this morning. Not too bad, he's still eating, drinking, being happy, but still. I am hoping that tooth pops through and that's what's going on.

So I talked to my mom this morning regarding some of her disability payments. She tells me that if she has a "catastrophic illness" which means she has to be unable to do two of these six things, she gets $1,000 more a month. The six things include a) can you feed yourself b) can you get dressed by yourself c) can you walk by yourself) etc....well the only one she can do of the six is control her bladder. So she gets $1000 more a month. YAY.

Yes, yay. My mom has a CATASTROPHIC illness. I'm glad insurance companies put a price on it.

My husband is mad at me for something stupid. I say one thing with the slightest bit of annoyance and frustration, and he's entitled to say or do whatever he wants to me. It's really awesome.

Fuck you Monday.

Come on, baby. Sleep.

PJ's a good sleeper. Lately though, he's been waking up once, now twice a night and wanting to nurse. And he's eating like he needs to eat. I am assuming it's teething, at least I hope so. I was enjoying my little guy sleeping from 8-6 or so. Maybe I should start putting him to bed earlier?

We went to Tilted Kilt last night and saw another couple with their maybe one year old daughter -- giving her pop! Nicely done. That will calm her down. People. Seriously.

It's Friday. Thank goodness. I live for the weekends when I can spend more than three hours with my happiness. It actually makes me not want to do things on the weekends that he can't come with for. It's hard. I know it sounds stupid, but I only get so much time with him. I think people don't really understand. And I am sure there are moms who don't feel this way (one of my best friends, for example). But I want to spend every moment I can with my happiness. That's why when John and I have date night, we don't leave till 45 minutes before PJ goes to bed, so we can spend as much time with him as possible. I'm just a sap and a nerd I guess.

I thought for a few minutes I got my period this morning. It felt like it, but when I went to the bathroom, alas, nothing. Dammit. I hate going from not wanting my period, to wanting my period, to just go back to not wanting it again. I'd love to get pregnant this month and have a little one due in August. Go back to work right before the holidays and then have more time off. I got pregnant after my m/c without having a period. Maybe I'll get pregnant without having a pp period.

Happy weekend. :)

Sometimes, I don't want to be positive.

I was chatting with a good friend today, who is in a similar situation with her mom as I am. She is one of the few people who I feel really understands what I am going through. She made me feel better because she understood what I meant when I said I don't always want to be positive and happy. Sometimes, I don't want to "focus on the positive" or "think of the happy times." Sometimes, I need to be real. People think saying those things make you feel better, or will help cheer you up. In reality, denying what's happening doesn't make the sickness go away. It doesn't change what's happening to you or your loved one.

Sometimes I want people to be REAL AND TRUTHFUL. Don't tell me it's gonna be okay. It's not. Don't tell me not to think about the bad stuff. I will. That doesn't HELP. If you don't know what to say, say you're sorry. Say it sucks and is unfair that we have to go through this bullshit. Don't tell me to focus on the happy times. That makes it worse. Because then I feel BAD that I am not positive 100% of the time. And I shouldn't have to feel bad that I am sad, pissed off, and scared out of my ever loving mind.

Don't get me wrong. I appreciate all the kind words. But please. Sugar coating only works for cookies and candy.

So THAT's what the side of the crib is for.

Last night, while I was getting PJ ready for his bath, I plopped him in his crib for a minute. Came back in the bedroom to see he had discovered that not only can he reach the side of the crib, but he can probably use it to pull himself up -- that and his crib bumper.

Hasn't pulled himself up YET -- but like everything else all of a sudden he'll just do it. I'll try to get a picture tonight, if he does it again.

Oh yeah. This other thing.

So amid the happiness in my life, I have a very sad sad spot.

My mom has ALS, Lou Gehrig's disease. She was diagnosed in May of this year. It's a very degenerating disease, with a very poor prognosis and no cure. I never imagined that when I had a baby my mom wouldn't be able to pick him up. Or change his diaper. Or babysit. Sometimes, for a brief moment, I forget that she can't do these things. I think, oh my mom will watch PJ. But she can't. And every time, reality comes crashing back and I realize that it's not the way it was supposed to be.

I remember when we got married, and I imagined having kids, and how excited my mom would be. How I'd never have to worry about needing a babysitter, how my kids would be spoiled rotten. It hurts so much that this can't happen.

I feel bad. I feel bad that it makes me sad, that sometimes all I want to do is cry. But I can't. I need to be happy and be strong for my little guy. And John doesn't deserve for his wife to be depressed all the time. But every time I talk to her I hear it in her voice. Every morning that I don't have an email from her like I used to, I am reminded. Every time I call her at home on a Tuesday afternoon instead of at work. Every time I go to her house and she can't hug me. Every card I get that is signed by Terry instead of my mom. And then I feel selfish. And I want to scream how unfair this is and how my mom doesn't deserve it. And as much as I want to go see her, I hate going there because then I have to see her like this. I hate how fast it hit her. I know she was cutting a rug at our wedding two years ago. last year at this time she was driving. And now, nothing. She needs help to get out of a chair. To walk to the bathroom.

I hate it. I hate ALS and I hate that I can't fucking do anything about it.

I tell you, without my happiness, I'd be in a sorry state.

I'm really gonna try this time

I am bad at this blogging thing. But I don't want to be. I want to write here becasue I think it will help me get things out of my head.

My happiness is nearly 8 months old. Everyday he amazes me. Everyday I am amazed at how much more I love him, when I yesterday I didn't think it was possible for me to love him anymore. And yet I do. Which makes me ache to want baby #2. I haven't gotten my period yet -- breastfeeding will do that. Sure, I could wean, but I don't want to do that either. Maybe I'll be one of those rarities that gets pregnant without getting that first post-pregnancy period?

Anyway, PJ is sitting like a champion, clapping, army crawling. Soon he'll figure out how to crawl for real and all hell is gonna break loose then. But I cannot wait because I love seeing him discover new things.

I am really lucky. I have an amazing husband and an incredible son. My husband is a phenomenal father. Another reason I'm ready for #2. John and PJ are too incredible and amazing to only have me around -- I need to share the love.