PYHO: Sugar Coating

I'm not much of a sugar coater.  I used to be -- there was a point in my life where I kept things to myself, never let people see me mad, or sad, or upset.  I was a doormat, and got walked on.  It lead to me being in a horrible relationship that was verbally and slightly physically abusive.  It took me nearly six years to see that I was worth more, and to get the courage to go.

Ever since then, I tell it like it is.  I am not intentionally mean -- if what I am going to say might hurt or isn't easy for the person to hear, I try to be gentle, but I don't mince words.  If you're being an asshole, I'm going to tell you.  If you're being overdramatic, I'm going to tell you.  If you need to suck it up and put on your big girl panties, I'm going to tell you.

My best friend in the world has always been this way, though she lacked the sensitivity when we were younger.  Now she's gained some of my sensitivity, and I've taken on some of her bluntness.  We've evened each other out, it seems, after been friends for nearly 17 years now -- although we never did even out our bodies by giving her some of my butt and me some of her boobs, but alas.

Most of the time, the people in my life appreciate my bluntness.  Sometimes, they come to me because they know I will be honest, I will level with them, and that's what they need.  I've been thanked many a time for being honest.  I am always there.  I am nothing if not a loyal, devoted friend.  A few people in my life, no matter how gently I put things, take them wrong -- if it's not what they want to hear, they get upset.

Here's the thing.  I'm not going to tell you what you want to hear, unless it's the truth.  I'm not going to lie to you to spare your feelings over things of importance.  I'm gonna let you know if you're being stupid - because you're smart and better than that.  I'm going to let you know if you are making as ass of yourself -- because you are strong and independent.  And no matter what happens, I'm going to be here for you if you fall, if you rise, or if you need to bullshit.

That is my pledge to you, my friends.  I will always be honest, I will always be straight with you, and I will always be loyal.

If you can't handle it, our friendship might not last.  PYHO

Things on TV and Movies that Never Actually Happen That Way

1.  Sex.

The sex on tv and movies is always hot, intense, and ridiculously unrealistic.  There's always sexual tension.  Someone grabs someone and passionately kisses them.  Perhaps they do it right there where they are; if not they kiss and grope each other all the way to a door, which one of them will desperately try to hope while maintaining the kiss/grope fest.  Once inside, their clothes will start to come off - until the brief pause where they stop and look each other with those romantic eyes.  Then the woman with wrap her legs around the man as he carries her to the bed, where the foreplay he will partake in will be unimaginable.

As desperate as I want to have sex like this, in reality, there's a couple minutes of foreplay, some making out, taking off your own clothes, and praying that the kids don't wake up.

2.  The Romantic Proposal/Date/Anniversary.

First, hundreds and hundreds of candles, set up to burn perfectly and without any harm of starting anything on fire.  Perhaps rose petals leading the person to the other.   Maybe there's some sentimental photo book or video that the ridiculously romantic man has made for his beloved.  Then there's an amazing speech and a sweet kiss.

How does the first candle not burn out by the time the last candle is lit??

3.  Birth

Very pregnant woman -- most likely past her due date.  Suddenly, her water breaks.  There's a race to the car.  Of course, there's traffic.  The car will then be abandoned in the loading area of the ER, where of course, it will still be there once all is well and the baby has been born.  The woman will undoubtedly grab her husband or break his hand.

I think something like 10% of women's water breaks before labor starts.  Mine did with PJ, but that's rare.  And we parked in the ER and walked into the ER like normal people.  There's also this awesome thing called an epidural.

4.  Work

Did you ever notice people are rarely at work unless the show is based on the workplace? I mean, I love Friends and I mean LOVE, but they were at the coffee house all hours of the day.   Every now and then we'd see a scene with one of them at work, but for the love of god, can we have an episode where someone says "THANK GOD IT'S A THREE DAY WEEKEND?"  I mean, we already know you make millions of dollars, can't you pretend your character works a normal job?

5. Kids/Babies

Birth of child is usually a season ending episode.  Then we may see a couple more episodes with the baby.  Then POOF!  Where is the child?  Who is watching the child?  Are they good on their own?  Do they just sleep and eat and are content not pulling things off shelves that can hurt them?  And if a child is a regular on the show, the mom never seems to have any issues going anywhere without the kids.  There's always a sitter or someone. 

I'm sure there are more.  And I tell you, of all of them?  I really want #1.

The People Who Make Me Want to Stick Forks in My Eye.

Some of these people are sometimes friends of mine.  Sometimes they are people who I communicate with simply out of nosiness.  Either way, ready the forks.

1.  The "I make profound quotes my FB status that are detailed enough that you have some idea what's going on, but vague enough that you don't really know" attention seeking whores on FB.

Here's a tip. If you want me (and the rest of FB) to know, spell it out.  For example

"I'm so happy that I figured out how awesome flogging is" (thank you, 50 SOG).

2.  The "I'm so annoyed that I have to pack for my fourth tropical vacation this year and my husband doesn't do anything to help me" hoity-toity co-worker/frenemy.

It's going to be more difficult for you to pack after I throat punch you.

3.  The "I have so much money and can spend $300 on a pair of shoes once a week because I shop at Costco and bring my lunch to work every day, not because I'm rich."

Hey asshole.

It's because you are rich and the fact that you won't admit it makes you look like an even bigger asshole than you already are.

4.  The "Ugh, I can't believe she's letting her kid scream like that.  When I have kids, they will never do that" annoying bitch.

When you have kids, I'm gonna see your $300 puked on shoes and your Costco cart filled with diapers, and then I'm gonna point at you and laugh as your child wraps up your legs with the glorified dog leash you have attached to his waist.

5.  People who love running.  There's nothing wrong with them.  I have plenty of friends who run.  But unless someone is chasing me, I'm not running.  And even then, if they don't have a weapon, I might just walk briskly.

6.  People that can't drink tap water.  Now, if you live somewhere where your tap water is nasty, fine. But I live in CHICAGO.  We have some of the finest tap water in the world.  Stop being an asshole.

7.  The adults at the zoo that block the kids from seeing the animal.  Guess what?  If the 3 foot tall toddler stands in front of you, you can still see. 

8.  Whoever's idea it was to make red left turn arrows.

Sadness.

I haven't been around.

I'm at a loss.

I can't get things back to normal.

I'm still a damn good mom.

But I'm sad.

Mother's Day.  A mother's day where I didn't buy a card for my mother.  Where, upon going to the cemetery so John could visit my FIL, I discovered her grave marker was down.

I can't seem to keep my marriage going well.  A couple good days, then shit hits the fan.

I was made to feel guilty today because I don't make PJ and Maggie get out of the car and visit their grandfather's grave.  Because I don't think a 3 year old and a 1 year old should have to learn to visit their grandfather they will never remember by staring at a marker in the ground.

We'll bury her ashes in a couple weeks.

We've made the decision to forego a ceremony, we'll just be there as they are putting in their final resting place.

We need to move into the house.

My stepdad doesn't bring it up, but when we mention "when we move" in conversation, he doesn't object or say anything.

I need her to make sure this goes smoothly.  We need that house.  Badly.  More than anything right now.

I feel worse now.

I cannot believe she's gone.  I am scared I'll forget the sound of her voice.  I am scared I'll forget before she was sick.  I want to remember what it's like when I was waiting for the next bad thing to happen.

I miss her.

This is why we are failing.

People often wonder why America is failing as a nation.

I'll tell you why.

One of the "trending" topics on various internet news sites?

Snooki has lost her tan for her baby.

This is important to people.

I am PROUD to say I have never seen an episode of Jersey Shore.  What I know of Snooki and the rest of those morons I've learned from Conan.

These people get paid for being assholes on tv.  For being so ridiculously stupid and unbelievable.  And because people watch them, continuously, they gain fame for nothing.

I wish the story of the little girl, Isabel Celis,  from Arizona who was taken from her bed was "trending." Maybe then someone would be able to help find her.  This story shakes me to my very core.  A parents' worst nightmare.  This, in my opinion, is even worse than your child getting taken from you at a store or park.  This is from their OWN HOME. In her bedroom.  A place, where you assume your children are safe.

Since hearing this story, I've checked and rechecked the locks on the kids windows.  I've given them extra kisses good night.  I've checked on them in the middle of the night.  My heart aches for these parents.

But the majority of the people in this country, when asked who Isable Celis is, will look at you blankly.  Ask them who Snooki is, and they'll go on and on.

This is why we are failing.

PYHO: Judging Death

I've become extremely judgmental about death.

When you lose a parent too soon, it changes how you see lots of things.  I never imagined it would change how I feel about death.

My mom was 55 years old.  She should have lived another 30, at least another 20 years.  She died from a terrible, dreadful disease.  I lost my mother at 32 years old.  My children will never remember her.

So when someone loses a grandparent who was in their 80s, or even 70s, yes, I feel sympathy.  It hurts when you lose someone you love.

But I judge.  I just want to scream "Why are you so fucking sad?  At least they were old!  At least they lived to see retirement age, to see their grandchildren grow up, so possibly have great grandchildren.  They lived a long full life!"

It angers me.

I don't think people shouldn't grieve when someone elderly they love dies.  But part of me wants them to realize that they are lucky that this person lived as long as they did.  That their grandmother was at their kindergarten graduation, their 10th birthday party, their high school graduation, their wedding.

PJ and Maggie will have none of that.

When someone in their 50s loses a parent, yes it's sad and terrible.  But their parent was there when their children were born.  That parents held their kids, baby sat and spoiled them like grandparents do, watched their child turn into a wonderful mother or father and told them so.

It's not that I don't want people to be sad or to grieve their loss.  I want them to realize how lucky they are.

I lost my mom at 32.  I never was able and will never be able to call her for advice, to go out shopping with her, to tell her about the milestones her grandchildren are achieving.  I wasn't even able to do this for a small portion of their lives.

So I judge.  And that is one of the many, many things that has changed in me since I lost my mom.

I just don't give a damn.

Some of this you might agree with.  Some of this might make you pissed off.  Some of this might make you go YES!  Whatever it makes you, I don't give a damn.  If you read my blog, you obviously know how I roll.

I truly feel sorry for anyone who wants to have a child and has trouble.   Nothing makes me sadder than a couple who want to be parents and for some reason have difficulties conceiving, regardless of the problem.

That being said, why people give a fuck about Guliana and Bill or whoever getting pregnant is beyond me.  I just don't understand the obsession with celebrities and having babies and feeling bad/sad for them when they do or don't get pregnant.

Under the same lines, Dick Clark died. Yup.  An old man, an 82 year old man, who's lived a long VERY successful life passed away.

I am not saddened by his passing.  I didn't know him, and he was 82 years old.  That's a pretty good fucking life, if you ask me.  If he was 52, I could understand the sadness.

I think balance bikes are fucking stupid. I have a very good friend who got one for her kid, and she knows I think they are fucking stupid.  Give the kid a bike.

A little girl disappeared from her bed in Arizona, however, most people know nothing about this but know that Guiliana and Bill are having a kid.  I feel bad for that little girl's PARENTS.

I'm reading Fifty Shades of Grey, and it's pretty damn vivid.  However, I don't suggest reading it if you can't get laid soon thereafter. Big mistake on my part.

If you're not watching New Girl, you're missing out. DVR it, watch it on Hulu, do whatever.

My new guilty pleasure is the Client List with Jennifer Love Hugetits.  It's pretty good. 

Why is it people that claim they "hate" drama and try to avoid it, 9 times out of 10 are the people causing the fucking drama in the first place?  And then they get pissed off and whine when you call them on it?  For fuck's sake.  I love starting drama.  I fucking admit it.  Especially when it's pointless, not really going to cause anyone harm drama.  It's the nitpicky, annoying drama that needs to go the fuck away.

Having 4 martinis and 2 Hurricanes in one evening is probably not the best decision I've made recently.  But I lived to tell the tale.