Goodbye, Mom

My mom lost her battle with ALS on Friday, February 24, 2012.

She fought it with everything she had.  She fought it till her very last breath.

It was a battle she had no chance of winning.

She is at peace now.  She is no longer suffering.  She is no longer a shell of the woman she used to be.  The woman she should still be.

She was taken from us too soon.  55 years old.  She never got to spoil her grandkids.  She never even got to hold her grandkids, save for one time when she held PJ.  She won't see him play in his first T-ball game.  She won't see Maggie's first dance recital.  She won't be there on their first day of school.  Their graduations, their birthdays, their weddings.

ALS is the worst fucking disease there is.  It claimed my mom's life in less than three years, but the damage it did before that was more.  Much more.  It not only claimed her life, it prevented her from doing anything enjoyable in the last years of her life.   It robbed of her ability to hug her loved ones.  The ability to tell us she loved us.

I've spent the past couple of years missing my mom.  Grieving the woman she was.  Wishing she would final stop suffering and be at peace.  And now she is.

The pain I feel is unexplainable.  The loss, void in my heart will never be filled.

But I will go on. I will be strong.  I will laugh, love, and live.

Because that's what she would have wanted me to do.

I miss you Mom.  You will be in my thoughts every day.  I will miss you every single day for the rest of my life.

I love you Mommy.  I always always will.

Untitled

My dear friend Angie poured her heart out yesterday...about me...please take a visit.

Still waiting on mom.

Imminent.

My mom's death is imminent.  She was given a day or two yesterday.

Please keep her in your thoughts and wish for a quick, peaceful passing.

Thank you for all your support.

Life's Lessons: The Zoo Edition

1.  We went to the zoo on Tuesday because I was home with the kids.

2.  Yup, to a zoo, in Chicago, in February.

3.  It was EMPTY.

4.  We walked around for 1.5 hours before I saw any other visitor -- everyone we saw was a zoo worker.

5.  We went in the indoor exhibits, and PJ and Maggie were able to run around and do whatever they wanted.

6.  Maggie was in her glory.

7.  PJ would call me over to see an animal, sometimes knowing what it was, sometimes asking.

8.  They tweeted along with the birds.

9.  PJ made monkey noises in Tropic World.

10.  They happily got back in the wagon to move on to the next animal.

11.  They got to pet a kitty and a bunny. 

12.  They got to pretend to be veternarians and lemurs.

13.  My friends, a random weekday in February? 

14.  Best day to go to the zoo.

Sounds of the morning

PJ:

"Mama, we go to zoo?"

"Oh, buddy, I'm sorry mommy has to go to work today.  We'll go back to the zoo soon."

"we go to zoo soon? okay mama."
(10 minutes later on the way to the car)

"Is soon now Mama?  We go to zoo?"


Passing the bush where the birds hang out.

PJ:

Birdies mama!! Bird Fly!! TWEET TWEET!

Maggie:  Twee Twee!! (Giggle)


Sitting at a light that just turned green.

Maggie: GOOOOOOOO!!!


Driving to the sitter:

We're going to see Mrs. McGrath!

PJ:  Not there yet Mama.

Leaving the sitter for work.

"Bye guys, I love you!"

PJ:  "Love you Mama!"

Maggie:  waving good-bye frantically

Sometimes, mornings aren't so bad.

PYHO: Why is Valentine's Day so important?

I'm not a big celebrater of Valentine's Day.  We exchange cards, because I'm a huge card person.  We go out to dinner around V-Day, because our engageversary is February 7.

I don't get it though.  Why is it so important your significant other acknowledge a day someone else created?  A day filled with crowded restaurants, too expensive flowers, cheesy heart-shaped jewelry?

I personally prefer my husband makes a bigger deal out of the days that are significant to US. 

To our relationship.

The day we became a couple.

The day we got engaged.

The day we got married.

These are days I expect to be remembered.  Days that don't matter to anyone else but us.  Days that when I hear or see that date, I smile and remember a little of that day. 

Because really, Valentine's Day?  Unless it's one of those days, it's more for me to give candy to my kids. 

11 Things about me...

I was tagged in the blogging "chain letter" that's going around by the always amazing Rach at Life Ever Since.  I am so excited she tagged me.  Basically I am going to answer 11 questions she provided and then tag 11 other bloggers to do the same.  Here goes!

1.  If you had to leave the U.S. and move to another country, where would you move to and why?

This is tough, because I've never been to another country.  But I think I'd say Switzerland.  I hear they have really good maternity leave.  And even though we're done having kids, I feel like a country with good maternity leave has to be good for families. Right?

2.  Are you an adventurous eater?  I.e. do you like trying new foods?

Sort of.  I won't eat anything raw and I don't like many vegetables.  I also don't think anything where I don't know what something is is worth trying.

3.  What’s your favorite animal?

Probably a giraffe.  And this is recent.  They are always out when we go to the zoo, and the kids get so excited to see them eating. Plus, they are pretty cool.

4.  What was your first job?

Well I started babysitting at 13, but my first real, take-taxes-out-of-my-paycheck job was at a medical office where I did filing.  I believe I made $4.25 an hour.

5.  Would you renew your vows complete with another wedding?

I would renew our vows, but not a complete wedding. I'd have a small ceremony in Hawaii, with just our very closest friends and family.

6.  What one talent do you wish you had?

I wish I could sing.

7.  Do you let your kids jump on the bed?

Yes.  Absolutely.

8.  What’s your favorite salad dressing?

A really good ceasar or the balsamic vinegarette from Panera.

9.  Do you recycle?

Yes -- but just cans/bottles/plastic.  We don't have that much paper and when we do it almost always gets garbage on it somehow.

10.  What do you like on your ice cream?

I hope I don't lose any friends over this - I don't like ice cream. 

11.  Are you left or right handed?

Right. John desperately wants PJ to be left handed because left handed pitchers are very much sought after in the major leagues.

Okay!! Here are the rules:

• You must post these rules.
• Each person must post 11 things about herself on their blog.
• Answer the questions the “tagger” listed for you in her post, and create 11 new questions for the people you tag to answer.
• Choose 11 people to tag and link to them in the post.
• Let each blogger know that you have tagged them

And here are my 11 awesome ladies:

Angie from For The Rest of Our Lives

Helene from I'm Living Proof God Has a Sense of Humor

Natalie from From Corporate to Domestic

Monica from Peeper Summarized

Adrienne from Stories from the Shoebox

Rebecca from Unexplained X2

Emmy from Emmy Mom

Christina from Finally Mom

Sara from Life's Recipe

Sara from Unofficial Mom

Lea from Becoming Supermommy

There you go!! Get it done ladies!

Life's Lessons: The Quote Edition

1.  Life is not about keeping score.  You win some, you lose some, you let it go.  - Ray LaMontagne

2.  Anyone can give up.  It's the easiest thing in the world to do.  But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that's true strength.  -- Unknown

3.  Be strong now because things will get better.  It might be stormy now, but it can't rain forever.  -- Hailee

4. The soul is healed by being with children.  -- English proverb

5.  It's funny how it's the little things in life that mean the most. It's not where you live, or what you drive, or the price tag on your clothes. -- Zac Brown

6.  I'm a strong person.  But every now and then I'd like someone to take my hand and say everything will be allright.  -- Unknown

7.  Your vision will be come clear, only when you look into your heart.  Who looks outside, dreams.  Who looks inside, awakens.  -- Carl Jung

8.  To be honest with you, I don't have the words to make you feel better.   But I do have the arms to give you a hug, the ears to listen to you, and a heart that's aching to see you smile again.  -  Unknown

9.  It's the friends you can call at 3 a.m. that matter.  -- Billie Holiday

10.  Love is being stupid together.   - Paul Valery

I'd also like to say hi and thanks to my two newest followers.

Have a great weekend.

PYHO: Dear Maggie

Dear Maggie,

Hi baby girl.  I don't know if you'll ever actually read this. 

It's been brought to my attention that it appears I favor your big brother over you.

I assure you this is not my intention.  I love your brother and you so very much.  There is no more love or less love.  It is a love so strong, so intense, so unbreakable, so unconditional.  I would die for either one of you.  I will do anything and everything to make your lives happy, safe, and to make you feel loved and cared for.

Your big brother is my first born.  He's the person who made me a mommy.  This is a very special thing.  And because of it, I will always feel that from him. 

But you, baby girl.  You my beautiful daughter.  You completed me being a mommy.  You made me feel complete, whole.  Like I'd finally achieved what the most important thing in my life would be -- to be a mommy not only to a son, but to a daughter.  To have a little girl who would become my best friend, who'd call me and chat with me for hours, have shopping dates.

Who I would try to teach how to be a good friend and a good person.  To be a good sister and daughter.   What your period is all about, and how to be safe when giving and receiving love from another person.  To hold you when you are scared, comfort you when you are sad, and celebrate with you when you are happy.

Sometimes, I might react more quickly or more concerned when your brother cries or hurts himself.  It's not because I care less that you hurt yourself.  It's not because I think you don't need my love or comfort.  I am not sure what it is.  But I have a guess.

I see myself in you.  The determination on your face.  The happiness in your giggle.  The toughness you exude.  The independence you have shown since you were a tiny, tiny newborn.  Your ability to recover from a fall or hurting yourself faster, quicker than your brother did at your age.   So maybe I don't react the way I do when you fall down and cry as I do when your brother does.  I'll never begrudge you hugs, kisses, and care.  It doesn't mean I favor him over you.  It means I know you, my beautiful daughter, are a fighter.  I know you will pick yourself up, dust yourself off (literally and figuratively), and keep going.  And I know sometimes, you need me to be there and hold you and wipe away your tears.   And I will always be there for that.  I will never turn you away.

So if it ever appears that I am giving more attention to your big brother, it's not intentional.  Boys take longer to gain their independence.  And you, my darling little girl, have already begun to show me that you will have the strength, the drive, the determination to stand on your own two feet.

But know, this, daughter of mine.  I will ALWAYS be there to pick you up.

I love you more than words can ever express,

Mommy

February Photo a Day - Feb 2-5

To see the challenge and the pic from February 1, please look here.

February 2 -- my first love

Here he is, with his beautiful baby girl.  He was a totally different person back when I loved him -- I was 16, he was 17, we were in theatre together.  I, of course, was convinced we would be married, and I was devatated when we broke up.  We're still good friends -- we stayed with him and his fiancee (also a good friend) when we went to Denver.  I'll always have a special place in my heart for him.

February 3 - Person I Love to Hate

Yes, I hate Tom Brady.  I also hate when people say "But he's so good!"  I never said he wasn't good or talented. I said I hate him.

February 4 -- Furniture I Love

Yes.  The Massage Table.  Because that means I am getting a massage and having one hour of pure ME.

February 5 - Website I love

If I could buy produce at Amazon, I would.

Life's Lessons: The Super Bowl Edition

1.  The Super Bowl is Sunday.

2.  I love the Super Bowl, because I love football.

3.  Of course, I'd love it more if the Bears were in it, but at least the Packers are not.

4.  I'll be rooting for the Giants (you're welcome, Rebecca).

5.  We're having some people over for the game.  I have purchased nothing for this gathering.

6.  I got some garlic cheese and garlic cheese bread from the Amish bakery this morning.

7. I've almost eaten half the loaf of bread.

8.  I did our taxes last night.  Yay for refunds, and yay for my shopping day which will be here soon!

9.  I booked PJ's birthday party yesterday.  It's going to be at Gymboree -- not the clothing store -- the play/music place.  I am super excited.

10.  Um, that means my little guy is turning THREE. 

11.  HOW THE HELL DID THAT HAPPEN?
12.  Please tell me potty training will magically happen once he's three.

13.  I hate potty training.

February Photo A day

I stole borrowed this idea from one of my favorite bloggy friends, Rebecca.   She also has very good taste.

So...here is my #1

MARK WAHLBERG

otherwise known as MARKY MARK.



PYHO: Loss

Today is a rough day for me.

Three years ago today, we lost our dog, the greatest, best dog I ever had and ever will have. 

Neo.  He died suddenly and unexpectedly.  He was not even six years old.  He had gotten bloat.  He died on our kitchen floor.  John and a neighbor put him in the car and we drove him to be cremated.  I was nearly 8 months pregnant.  It was devastating, and still is.  I think about him every single day. 

When I went to the bathroom a week after getting a positive pregnancy test, and saw the bleeding, and wept. experiencing another loss, Neo was the first one to come to my side.  I sobbed into his fur.  Neo was my protector, one of my greatest friends.  Some of you might think I'm crazy because I'm talking about a dog, but this dog was for a good portion of my early 20s, the only thing I had in the world.  I was in a terrible relationship with an abusive guy and thought I was doomed. Neo was my only hope.

In May of 2009, I began to lose my mother.  She was diagnosed with ALS, and every day since then, I have lost a little more of her, to the point that now there isn't much left to lose.  I will lose her completely, physically, emotionally, very very soon, I know.  That will prove to be the greatest loss of my life.

In January of 2011, we lost my father-in-law.  Suddenly, unexpectedly.  Devastatingly.  I'd already lost so much.  We'd already lost so much. We were already preparing to lose my mom.  Why did the universe hate us so much?

They say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.   I often try to hold back my tears.  Sometimes I can't, and I cry over something seemingly insignificant.

I'm tired of being strong.  I'm ready to move on in my grief.  I'm ready for closure.