A little sad.

My dear friends Melanie and Julie are both currently pregnant.  Mel is pregnant with her second and is due in February, Julie her first and is due in May.  The six of us (us and our husbands) are going to celebrate Christmas with dinner in a couple weeks.  I can't help but feeling so sad that they are pregnant and I am not.    PJ is my happiness and the greatest thing in the world and in my life.  I just can't wait to see him with a little brother or sister and I loved being pregnant.  I love being a mom.  I just want my fricking period to come already!  People have started asking when we are going to have another one, and I hate that I pretty much CAN'T get pregnant right now.  Sigh.

I would love, love, love to be pregnant before the year is over.  I have my fingers crossed.  I thought I had some EW or CM or whatever the fuck it is esterday, but I was never good at figuring that shit out.  But if I did, that's good that we had ourselves some sex on Saturday night.   So we shall see. 

Almost Thanksgiving.

My happiness's first thanksgiving. I can't wait to have him try all the delicious foods.

My friend's mom passed away from a long battle with cancer on Friday.  Although we were expecting it, it still sucks.   And I can't help but think about things that are sad.

I don't know what next Thanksgiving will bring.  I don't know if I'll be in a similar situation or things will be okay.  I am not sure I want to know.

Finally the weekend.

Got an unexpected day home with my happiness yesterday -- our sitter was sick.  Poor little guy had a rough night though - those teeth are breaking through, but taking their sweet time.  I wish they would just hurry up.  I hate when he's in so much pain!  we're going to pick up a new toy for him this weekend...don't want to wait till Christmas.   He deserves it, anyway.  :)

Anyway, on our impromptu day together we went to visit my mom.  It was a sad ride home.  It's hard for me to go there and see this woman, Joy (her home care helper) that has to feed my mom, help her to the bathroom, etc.  To see how desperately my mom wants to hold PJ while I run to the bathroom, or feed him or what not.  I fucking hate it so much.  And how last year at this time, she could have done all of that and more.  I fucking hate this devastating disease. 

She still wants to go to Ruth's Chris on NYE -- we've gone the past three years, my mom's treat.  She desperately wants to go.  So I am going to call and explain our situation and hopefull RC's will pull through in the clutch.

Fuck you ALS.

Happy Anniversary to us!

Today is our two year anniversary.   I can't believe two years ago right now I was getting ready for my awesome, kick ass, perfect wedding.  And leaving for Maui tomorrow.  Wow, wouldn't that be nice.

What a great marriage so far.  We've had our ups and downs, but we are each other's best friend and that's so important.  We have an amazing son who is just the light of our lives.  There is nothing better than being a parent, no better sound than hearing your little one giggle, no better touch of the face that your baby brushing his hand on your cheek.  The creation of your family.  It is incredible.

We're hoping to start making our family a little bigger...maybe tonight will be lucky for us.

Happy Anniversary Baby!!

 

So I POAS today.

It was negative.   I don't know why I am surprised, I mean I still haven't gotten my period.   I am still hoping for an anniversary baby.

I miss being pregnant.  There's just something about walking around knowing you're growing your future child inside you.   I loved it.  I love feeling PJ move around, kicking, hearing his heartbeat at the doctor.   Plus, I love the idea of an August baby.  Perfect time between PJ and the new little one, nice maternity leave for me.  I am a little sad.  But I still have my happiness and that is the greatest thing ever. I know it will happen soon enough, but I thought it would also be super cool to have PJ wear a "I'm gonna be a big brother" tshirt under his christmas outfit....we shall see what happens.

Missing Neo.

Our sitter's dog died yesterday.    I have decided I can't handle things like this.  I am a wreck today thinking of my poor Neo.   He was the greatest dog ever and his life was so unfairly cut short.

Again, thanks for my happiness or 2009 would FUCKING BLOW.

Oh, but PJ is standing! and clapping!

Blah, Mondays. Does anything good ever come out of Monday??

PJ has a fever this morning. Not too bad, he's still eating, drinking, being happy, but still. I am hoping that tooth pops through and that's what's going on.

So I talked to my mom this morning regarding some of her disability payments. She tells me that if she has a "catastrophic illness" which means she has to be unable to do two of these six things, she gets $1,000 more a month. The six things include a) can you feed yourself b) can you get dressed by yourself c) can you walk by yourself) etc....well the only one she can do of the six is control her bladder. So she gets $1000 more a month. YAY.

Yes, yay. My mom has a CATASTROPHIC illness. I'm glad insurance companies put a price on it.

My husband is mad at me for something stupid. I say one thing with the slightest bit of annoyance and frustration, and he's entitled to say or do whatever he wants to me. It's really awesome.

Fuck you Monday.

Come on, baby. Sleep.

PJ's a good sleeper. Lately though, he's been waking up once, now twice a night and wanting to nurse. And he's eating like he needs to eat. I am assuming it's teething, at least I hope so. I was enjoying my little guy sleeping from 8-6 or so. Maybe I should start putting him to bed earlier?

We went to Tilted Kilt last night and saw another couple with their maybe one year old daughter -- giving her pop! Nicely done. That will calm her down. People. Seriously.

It's Friday. Thank goodness. I live for the weekends when I can spend more than three hours with my happiness. It actually makes me not want to do things on the weekends that he can't come with for. It's hard. I know it sounds stupid, but I only get so much time with him. I think people don't really understand. And I am sure there are moms who don't feel this way (one of my best friends, for example). But I want to spend every moment I can with my happiness. That's why when John and I have date night, we don't leave till 45 minutes before PJ goes to bed, so we can spend as much time with him as possible. I'm just a sap and a nerd I guess.

I thought for a few minutes I got my period this morning. It felt like it, but when I went to the bathroom, alas, nothing. Dammit. I hate going from not wanting my period, to wanting my period, to just go back to not wanting it again. I'd love to get pregnant this month and have a little one due in August. Go back to work right before the holidays and then have more time off. I got pregnant after my m/c without having a period. Maybe I'll get pregnant without having a pp period.

Happy weekend. :)

Sometimes, I don't want to be positive.

I was chatting with a good friend today, who is in a similar situation with her mom as I am. She is one of the few people who I feel really understands what I am going through. She made me feel better because she understood what I meant when I said I don't always want to be positive and happy. Sometimes, I don't want to "focus on the positive" or "think of the happy times." Sometimes, I need to be real. People think saying those things make you feel better, or will help cheer you up. In reality, denying what's happening doesn't make the sickness go away. It doesn't change what's happening to you or your loved one.

Sometimes I want people to be REAL AND TRUTHFUL. Don't tell me it's gonna be okay. It's not. Don't tell me not to think about the bad stuff. I will. That doesn't HELP. If you don't know what to say, say you're sorry. Say it sucks and is unfair that we have to go through this bullshit. Don't tell me to focus on the happy times. That makes it worse. Because then I feel BAD that I am not positive 100% of the time. And I shouldn't have to feel bad that I am sad, pissed off, and scared out of my ever loving mind.

Don't get me wrong. I appreciate all the kind words. But please. Sugar coating only works for cookies and candy.

So THAT's what the side of the crib is for.

Last night, while I was getting PJ ready for his bath, I plopped him in his crib for a minute. Came back in the bedroom to see he had discovered that not only can he reach the side of the crib, but he can probably use it to pull himself up -- that and his crib bumper.

Hasn't pulled himself up YET -- but like everything else all of a sudden he'll just do it. I'll try to get a picture tonight, if he does it again.

Oh yeah. This other thing.

So amid the happiness in my life, I have a very sad sad spot.

My mom has ALS, Lou Gehrig's disease. She was diagnosed in May of this year. It's a very degenerating disease, with a very poor prognosis and no cure. I never imagined that when I had a baby my mom wouldn't be able to pick him up. Or change his diaper. Or babysit. Sometimes, for a brief moment, I forget that she can't do these things. I think, oh my mom will watch PJ. But she can't. And every time, reality comes crashing back and I realize that it's not the way it was supposed to be.

I remember when we got married, and I imagined having kids, and how excited my mom would be. How I'd never have to worry about needing a babysitter, how my kids would be spoiled rotten. It hurts so much that this can't happen.

I feel bad. I feel bad that it makes me sad, that sometimes all I want to do is cry. But I can't. I need to be happy and be strong for my little guy. And John doesn't deserve for his wife to be depressed all the time. But every time I talk to her I hear it in her voice. Every morning that I don't have an email from her like I used to, I am reminded. Every time I call her at home on a Tuesday afternoon instead of at work. Every time I go to her house and she can't hug me. Every card I get that is signed by Terry instead of my mom. And then I feel selfish. And I want to scream how unfair this is and how my mom doesn't deserve it. And as much as I want to go see her, I hate going there because then I have to see her like this. I hate how fast it hit her. I know she was cutting a rug at our wedding two years ago. last year at this time she was driving. And now, nothing. She needs help to get out of a chair. To walk to the bathroom.

I hate it. I hate ALS and I hate that I can't fucking do anything about it.

I tell you, without my happiness, I'd be in a sorry state.

I'm really gonna try this time

I am bad at this blogging thing. But I don't want to be. I want to write here becasue I think it will help me get things out of my head.

My happiness is nearly 8 months old. Everyday he amazes me. Everyday I am amazed at how much more I love him, when I yesterday I didn't think it was possible for me to love him anymore. And yet I do. Which makes me ache to want baby #2. I haven't gotten my period yet -- breastfeeding will do that. Sure, I could wean, but I don't want to do that either. Maybe I'll be one of those rarities that gets pregnant without getting that first post-pregnancy period?

Anyway, PJ is sitting like a champion, clapping, army crawling. Soon he'll figure out how to crawl for real and all hell is gonna break loose then. But I cannot wait because I love seeing him discover new things.

I am really lucky. I have an amazing husband and an incredible son. My husband is a phenomenal father. Another reason I'm ready for #2. John and PJ are too incredible and amazing to only have me around -- I need to share the love.