PYHO: Strong Enough

A friend sent me a message yesterday.

I just wanted to drop you a note & tell you I think you're one of the strongest people I've ever met. That is all. XOXO.

She had no idea how desperately I needed to hear that yesterday.

Even though I question it.

Am I strong?  A lot of people would say that I am.  And I, too, think I am strong.  I was forced to grow up quickly and before I should have. My childhood wasn't the best.  And as they say, what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger.

But am I strong enough?

I've been strong through a lot of stuff.  Being strong through my mom's disease though, has made others notice.

Of course, John noticed me being strong through the other stuff.  But now others are noticing.

I am worried I won't be able to keep this strength till the end.  I am realistic now.  I am factual, clear-minded, and decisive.

But is this enough?

My best and oldest friend (we've been friends since we were 16, so come January I'll officially have known her half my life) insisted I would be. 

Because I'm a mother.

Becoming a mom changes things.  You can't stop being a mom.  You can't shut it off.  You can't stop giving hugs, or kissing boo-boos, or singing good night songs because something bad is happening. 

Especially when those little ones don't understand what's happening.

Especially when they know you are sad, and come over to you and pick your face up in your hands and give you a kiss.

So although my pain will be severe, although my grief will be unimaginable,  I will be strong enough.

Because of them.

..

It's the holiday season....weekend wrapup

I'm back.  Did you miss me?   Sorry about the Tiny Prints posts -- but I scored some free holdiay cards and that makes me happy.

Thanksgiving was awesome.  Delicious turkey.  My only problem?  No leftovers.  I am attempting to make my own turkey in a couple weeks so we can have fricking leftovers!! Turkey sandwiches, turkey soup....love to eat turkey (I know we've covered this).

Potty training? Blows.  However, we did introduce the little frog potty, and PJ seems to be liking that much better.  He won't tell us when he has to go just yet, but he does sit on it and go pretty much every time we bring him to it.  So that's something.  My best friend told me it took her two months start to finish with her boys.  As long as he's good to go by his third birthday in March, I'll be a happy mama.  But seriously.  Hardest thing I've had to do as a parent - so far.

We got all our Christmas stuff up over the weekend - except the tree, because we get a real one so we wait till the first week of December.   PJ is just amazed by our Santa outside - he loves it.  I cannot wait till Christmas this year, it's going to be so awesome.

Saturday was the hospice meeting for my mom.  I let her in. I explained to her my mom was against it, both my parents are in a bit of denial, and I thought hospice should have come in months ago. She totally understood.  It's important to note this meeting was almost cancelled because my stepdad fell over the coffee table on Thanksgiving night, and dropped my mom and she face planted and her face is horribly bruised.  He wanted to cancel because he didn't want anyone to see her like that.  Luckily, I was able to talk sense into him, how this is the REASON he needs help.


We discussed why we thought hospice was needed. My stepdad explained how every 2-3 minutes (literally) he has to reposition her on the couch. How he hasn't left the house since 2:30 p.m. on Wednesday. I said he needed help, he can't do it alone.

Penny said that accepting hospice is simply managing symptoms to make you comfortable. That their goal is to make her comfortable. That's it. Whatever it takes, they will do it. She told my stepdad it's obvious he has taken wonderful care of my mom and there's nothing wrong with getting help.

He freaked out at this point and yelled "I have not done a wonderful job!!! Look at her face!"  Penny explained that the fall is one of the reasons he can't expect to do this alone.

She also asked if there was a DNR in place. I said no. She asked my mom if she would want to be resuscitated if her heart stopped. I haven't seen my mom move her head so adamantly in months -- NO.  My stepdad was visibly upset by this. Penny explained that there was a form to be signed because otherwise medical personnel is required to do chest compressions and/or insert a tube.

My mom is getting Ativan for anxiety and restlessness, which will hopefully help with her constantly needing to be adjusted. She's also getting Ambien to help her sleep -- they sleep 2-3 hours a night. She also has pain medicine, stool softenenerand some other medications that will be added to and/or adjusted as needed. A nurse will go there daily. An aide will come and bathe her and wash her hair and style her hair. My stepdad was beside himself for this -- he straightens my moms hair every other day and the aide will do this. The aides will also come sit with my mom so he can go to the store, the doctor, whatever he needs to do.

She also finally agreed to a hospital bed, after some convincing by me. I explained it might make her feel more comfortable, that she might not be in so much pain. I also told her to do it for stepdad, so he doesn't have to worry about falling if she's in an adjustable bed.  The meds came that night and they've slept better -- not fantastic, but much better since.

So that is my weekend wrapup. 

And I really need to start fucking Christmas shopping.

Another Fabulous Offer from Tiny Prints!

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It's like getting the gift certificate free -- and you can use that gift certificate in the future!

So go get yourself some holiday cards!!

'Tis the Season

It's that time of year.  The time when I desperately try to get both my kids to look at the camera, smile and be merry.

You know.

Christmas cards!

I've sent out Christmas cards every year.  In 2007, we started sending photo cards.  Since then, our list grows a little bit each year.  This year, I started looking and decided to check out Tiny Prints, which I've used for birthday invitations before.

I found this awesome card I would love to get.

this card

There are so many awesome cards to choose from.  You can find them all at http://www.tinyprints.com/shop/picture-christmas-cards.htm.  There are filters on the left side to help you narrow down your choices!

So if you want some great quality Christmas cards and some awesome deals, visit Tiny Prints!

Hello to all of you!

I recently gained about 6 new followers, so I want to welcome you and say I am soooo glad you are here (along with all my old followers who I love)!

I want to check you out so leave me a comment with your blog so I can! I'm too lazy to look in my followers list, is that okay?? Plus then other peeps might check you out as well.

This week is kind of crazed so just a few tidbits:

We bought a Santa decoration for outside and PJ is beside himself.  Santa! Santa! SANTA!!  I think he likes Santa.

Maggie says shoes!  Shoes shoes shoes shoes.  However, all she ever does is take off her shoes...

PJ says socks -- but he says COCKS.  Oh boy.

He also says sit.  But he says TIT.

So we have lots of cocks and tit in our house these days.

My stepdad finally decided to call for hospice for my mom.  I am so glad.  He desperately needs the help.

It's almost thanksgiving, and in case you missed it, I LOVE TURKEY.

Gobble gobble.

Life's Lessons: The I F#$!ING LOVE TURKEY EDITION

I'm linking up with fabulous Sara and Rach today for Life's Lessons.

1.  I love turkey.  So much I am attempting to make ANOTHER turkey in December for the first time.  If it goes well, watch out Martha Stewart.

2.  The Amish people?  Make damn good cheese.  Two words people.  Habanero cheese.

3. The Amish people?  Make damn good bread.  Three words people. Garlic Cheese Bread.

4.  Did I mention I love turkey?

5.  I am making apple spice cookies for Thanksgiving.  I have no idea why.  I'm not much of a baker.

6.   Is there such a thing as being too honest?  I don't think there is, but....

7.  Apparently if it's something negative, even if you're nice, it's not okay.

8.  But I'm tired of not being honest.

9.  I really fucking love turkey people.

10.  I got flowers for my anniversary.

11.  The first time I've ever gotten flowers from my husband.

12.  They are so beautiful.

13.  But not as beautiful as the turkey I'm gonna eat on Thursday.

:)

PYHO: Four Years Ago....

Four years ago today...

I was getting ready.

To get married.

Today is our anniversary.  Today we celebrate the day we became one, vowed to love each other through it all, the good, the bad, the ugly.

There's been a lot of good.

There's been too much bad.

There's been some ugly.

Our wedding day was perfect.  Exactly what I wanted it to be.  Everyone had a great time.  The food was excellent, the music was good.  The ceremony was exactly what we wanted (17 minutes from start to finish!), everyone who mattered to us was there.

Every anniversary we dance to our song - Making Memories of Us by Keith Urban.

I would love to go back and live our wedding day.  It was such a wonderful day.  We had so much fun.

My mom danced with me.  She danced all night long. 

John's dad was so proud.  He cried during our vows, and he couldn't have been more thrilled.

Our wedding day.

Happy Anniversary Johnny.

Who Let the Dog Out?

You may or may not know we have a dog.  A white German Shepherd, named Wrangler.

I can't show you a picture, because I don't have any.

Why?

Because Wrangler is a rebound dog. 

My favorite, best, wonderful, amazing dog Neo died suddenly and unexpectedly at the age of 5.  He was the greatest dog ever. He was with me when I was with my asshole ex, and was part of the reason I got through all of that.  He got bloat and died on our kitchen floor.

I was nearly 8 months pregnant with PJ.

I was devastated and couldn't handle being home alone, not hearing the sound of a dog.  John was also devastated.  So we got the great idea to get a puppy when I was, yes, EIGHT MONTHS PREGNANT.  I am still not sure why none of my friends tried to talk some sense into me, but alas.

Wrangler is not a bad dog -- he's good with the kids.  But he's annoying, whiny, and doesn't listen.  He's scared of dish towels (one fell on the floor, and he ran out of the kitchen like it was a war).  He whines incessantly.  He is stupid.  He is everything Neo was not.

Anyway, we have Wrangler.  PJ gets a huge kick out of chasing him around with toys, watching him run around outside.  Maggie also laughs at him constantly.  So he's okay in my book because he's good with our kids.

PJ has been very much into giving him treats. "Dog treat Mama!"  And also putting cheese in with his food.    He's very commanding.

"Doggie, eat!"

"Doggie, go!"

"Doggie, tit (sit)!"

This morning we were about to leave.

"We've got to let the doggie in!"

PJ goes running to the door.  Turns around, sees me following, and runs back to me.

"NO MAMA!  I DO!" and pushes me.

I stop and wait.  "Okay, baby, you let the doggie in."

Opens the door to our porch, walks to the screen door.

"Come in doggie!"

He held the door open like we do so the door doesn't hit the dog on his way in.

"Dog treat mama?"

Yeah, baby.  Dog treat.

I love you, Leaves, and Polar Express

PJ FINALLY SAID I LOVE YOU.

He said it a few times.  Love you mama.  :)

He also said Choo Choo Track, Santa, Snowman, Sweet, and a few other things.  I am not worried about him talking any more -- he's still not talking as much as maybe he could be, but he's doing just fine. :)

Oh and if your kid likes trains, two words -- POLAR EXPRESS.  We bought the DVD for PJ at Target and he sat and watched the ENTIRE MOVIE from start to finish.  He was ENTRANCED.

Here's a couple pics to remind you how cute they are....

Isn't she adorable??

My handsome little guy.

So proud of his very tall tower.

And since it was 60 degrees in Chicago yesterday (but SUPER windy), we went outside and had some fun. Enjoy! :)

You mean I get to jump in this big pile of leaves?  This is the best day ever!

Wait, Daddy, I'll help you rake more leaves.

I don't know about this Mommy. 

Well the slide is fun.  I'll try it.

This is AWESOME.

Mommy, you're so silly.

One, two, three JUMP!

Leaves are so cool.  I can jump and throw them and Mommy doesn't mind!

Happy Fall!

Untitled.

This song, though very difficult for me to listen to, is a song I will have playing when my mom finally ends her suffering.

Thanks Brad.

The Best.

I work, unfortunately.  I leave PJ and Maggie around 7:20 everyday and pick them up about 5:15.

I hate that I have to leave them.  I hate that I have to wake them up every morning, when they could peacefully sleep till they were ready to wake up.  I hate that I can't let them lounge around in their jammies (although today was pajama day, so SCORE).

But...

the best, absolute BEST part of my day comes when I pick them up.

When I walk in the door, PJ starts yelling MAMAMAMAMAMMA!  and runs to greet me.

When Maggie sees me, she starts clapping and laughing and running over to me, saying MAMAMAMAMAMMA.

Biggest smiles on their faces.  So happy.

To see me.

That.

Is.

The.

BEST.

PYHO: The Power of Prayer

I don't believe in God.

I went to a Catholic school for 13 years.  I had the Catholic religion shoved down my throat at every turn.

I think the Bible is a great story.  I mean, you have to be pretty creative to come up with it.

I have nothing against people who believe in God, who are devout Catholics, or even somewhat-practicing Catholics.  I have good friends that are very religious.  I have no problems with this.

I just don't feel that I need to go to a specific building to express my beliefs.  I believe in being a good person.  I believe there is something out there, something that created the world, created us, the animals, the beauty of nature.  I just don't believe in God/Jesus/etc.

We got married in a Chapel where God was not mentioned at all except perhaps maybe in passing.  PJ and Maggie were baptized at the same place; not because we believe in the "washing away original sin" idea, but because we wanted them to be able to choose, wanted them to have a ceremony where their godparents were honored, and wanted them to be able to get married in a Catholic Church if they so choose.

However, I find myself praying.  I don't know what or who I'm praying to.  I don't carve out time in a day to do it.  I'll just be sitting around and think

Please let this end soon.

I can't stand to see her like this anymore.

Please end the suffering.

When someone dies or is sick, I see many people say things like "I'll keep you in my prayers."  Me?

"I'll keep you in my thoughts."

And I do.  But I can't say prayers, because I don't have prayers.

But today, I ask you.

I ask you, if you pray, if you have prayers, to pray for an end.

Pray that my mom's suffering ends soon.

Pray that those who love her don't have to see her this way anymore.

Pray that I can finally finish mourning her.

Guess who's back...

back again...

No, not Shady.

The bitch of all bitches.

Some call her Aunt Flo.

I call her my fucking period.

I haven't had a period since -- wait for it -- June of 2008, except for one sorry excuse for a period I had in January of 2010 (it was 2 days, barely anything) and then I got pregnant with Maggie.

Being pregnant, nursing, being pregnant, nursing, and having an IUD. 

I stopped nursing almost two months ago.

She's back with a fucking vengeance.

I have cramps.  I am not prepared for this at all.  My OB/GYN said I might not get one at all because of the IUD.

WRONG!

I thought I had gotten it a few weeks ago but it turned out to be nothing.

This time, it's a hell of a lot more than nothing.

Fuck.

Life's Lessons: The On My Own Edition

I'm linking up with Rach and Sara today.

John went away this past weekend, and it was the first time we've been apart overnight (other than Maggie's birth) since PJ was born. 

1.  I thoroughly enjoyed being able to watch 4 episodes of Revenge Saturday night on On Demand.

2.  I throughly enjoyed being able to watch American Horror Story after the 4 episodes of Revenge.

3.  I really liked having the whole bed to myself -- not because I took over more of it, but because no one tried to horn in on my side when I got up to pee.

4.  I took PJ and Mags to Snackville Junction, a restaurant that is covered in trains, and your food gets BROUGHT TO YOU by train.  (Read:  PJ's heaven).

5.  We went to Boo at the Zoo with my best friend and her boys and had a blast.

6.  I went and met my friend's 3 week old baby girl, and confirmed the fact that I am SO GLAD we are done.

7.  Newborn phase?  Not fun.

8.  Toddler phase?  Way fun.

9.  Next year when me and my girlfriends want to do a weekend getaway?  He did it first.

10.  I really did miss him though.

11.  Really.

Things I love Thursday (Thanks Rebecca)

My good bloggy friend Rebecca did "Things I Love Thursday" today and because I liked the idea, I stole borrowed it from her.  So feel free to check out what she loves today too.

Conan O'Brien.  I love Conan.  It's irrational and ridiculous, but I love him.  We DVR him every night.  And last night, upon showing PJ who he was on my t-shirt, turned on one of the episodes and asked PJ who it was and he said "Conan!"  Yup, that's my boy.

Quesadillas and my quesadilla maker.  To be fair, I love all Mexican food, but this is what I am making for dinner tonight and I am super excited.

This is the dress I got for John's holiday party.  I love it so!!  I also love that we get to get dressed up and go out for a fancy night on someone else's dime.

Now, I know this show is ALL KINDS OF FUCKED UP, but I can't help it.  It's so intriguing.  And puzzling.  I keep trying to put the pieces together.

Of Course.  DA BEARS.

PYHO: Empathy

I think that I am a very caring, sympathetic, and empathetic person.   I'll do anything for the people I care about.

But lately, (let's face it, for the past few years) I've found myself not being empathetic to people when they are seeking pity or are upset about a situation that they had control over.

I have a friend who desperately wants to become a mom.  She tried to get pregnant on her own.  She tried IUIs.  She's now doing IVF.  She had her egg retrieval and it wasn't as successful as it could be.  There's still a chance, but it's not the BEST it could be.

I feel terrible for her.  I feel terrible that someone who wants a child so badly, who deserves a child, who would be a wonderful mother, is having so much trouble. 

Then I have a friend - an old friend - who just had her second child (11.5 years after her first).  A friend who got pregnant on purpose with a boyfriend who didn't want kids, who refuses to accompany her to events like weddings, and who basically is doing nothing for the child.  She wanted to get pregnant because "all of us are getting pregnant and having babies."  This is NOT the reason to have a child.  I don't feel bad for her that he doesn't help, because she knew he wouldn't.  Do I think he's a douche bag?  Sure.  But I don't feel bad for her.

Some people aren't meant to be parents.  Some of these people know that and choose not to get pregnant and take steps to ensure there is no oops.  Some of these people keep having children, either because they are idiots that can't use birth control or because there is some other reason I can't fathom.

Some people think they aren't meant to be parents, then they have a child and can't believe they ever thought that.

I don't feel bad for my MIL because she didn't see her grandchildren on Halloween.  I don't feel bad when your grandchildren all live within 3 blocks of each other, were all together on Halloween, but you couldn't come by and see them because "it's too far to drive."  So we're supposed to load up our kids, in costume, on Halloween, so they miss trick or treating, because you are too lazy?  No thanks.

I feel bad that my parents didn't see their grandchildren on Halloween for obvious reasons.

So as I've gotten older, my empathy has become more selective.  Or maybe, I just am tired of people's bullshit.

To infinity...and beyond! (And some fairy dust)

PJ had an awesome time trick or treating.  Maggie just wanted to eat all the candy.  We had a great Halloween.

I'll be back to my regularly scheduled programming tomorrow.  Hope you had a great Halloween!