PIMPing.

And no, I am not talking about whoring out women.  I am talking about peeing in my pants.  Yes.   Unfortunately, one of my lasting (I fear permanent) side effects of having a baby is that if I sneeze, cough, or laugh too hard, a little pee comes out.  So I pee in my pants.  It's lots of fun.  It's especially fun when I already HAD to pee, so more comes out than it should, and I either have to change my panties, or try to blow dry them if I don't have opportunity to change my panties.

It's really lots of fun.  Really.   I guess I should of done Kegels, or whatever the fuck, but I was peeing enough as it WAS -- wasn't that enough use of those muscles to strengthen my shit up or whatever the fuck?  Seriously though.  

So I would say I probably PIMP on a daily basis, and it's especially fun on days where I forget to wear a pantyliner.

This has been a Public Service Announcement by LOG.

P.S.  Probably the only blog you'll see that talks about peeing in your pants.

Bye Bye!

PJ says bye bye now.  Not always when he should, not all the time.   But his toys say bye bye and yesterday he said bye bye back.  It is seriously adorable.   He also is getting even better with walking, and went up the stairs at least 5 times yesterday.  He loves climbing and stairs are one thing he actually can.

The top front teeth are taking their time (I can SEE the little fuckers, they just won't pop through) which isn't causing sleep issues (thankfully) but is causing eating issues.  Oh well.  He'll have two more teeth to add to the adorableness that is my happiness.

We also had a poopy explosion today -- while he was in the jumperoo.  So he was able to jump all around in the poop that got all over the floor.  Good times.

MESH PANTIES

What the hell are mesh panties, you might be saying?  Mesh panties are the greatest gift to a woman who has just had a vaginal birth.   Trust me, after you've been laboring and pushing for however long, that last thing you want it to put on some cute little Victoria's Secret bikinis.

The mesh panties are fantastic because they offer the space to put in the ice pack, tucks pads, and huge pillow pad (more on all of these in a later post).  And trust me, that ice pack is the best thing ever.   So when you are in the hospital, be sure to get lots and lots of mesh panties. Make sure you bring lots home.  Because there is nothing better than mesh panties.

Boys will be Boys

So PJ has bruises on his leg, the side of his eye, his head.  I don't worry though.  He's a BOY!  Boys do things like this and he never cries for more than a second, and I know he's having fun, and figuring out his world and learning.

He's also discovered his penis.  Yes that's right.  Every time the little weiner is exposed BAM!  Playing, pulling, tugging, CRACKING UP about it.  It's actually quite amusing.   The joy of playing with your penis starts young apparently.  He's also discovered he wants to play with the baby in the mirror (him).  He waves to himself, laughs.  It's really fucking adorable actually.

I'm 15 weeks pregnant.  I feel like this is taking FOREVER.  I have a doctor appointment on Thursday, and I feel like my last one was MONTHS ago.  I realize come October I am going to be saying how fast it went and all that jazz, but right now it is DRAGGING.  I feel flutters here and there, no major kicks or anything yet though.   I am really anxious to find out if it's a boy or girl (I think it's a boy, but still).  I feel like I can't really buy anything till we know -- which is dumb because most of what we need is stuff we'll get gender neutral anyway, except for clothes.  But I feel like if we buy it ahead of time it will be weird.  I really don't know why.

And now..

The Peri Bottle

I mentioned the peri bottle in an earlier post, but now I am going to give it rightful place in the things you will love after you give birth.
The peri bottle probably holds about 6-8 ounces of water and is squeezable with a top like a water bottle that you pop up to drink out of.  They will give this to you (or they should) immediately before you pee the first time after you give birth.  You will fill the bottle with warm (as warm as you can stand) water.   Then, after you pee, you will squirt the gloriousness of this warm water all over your vagina, lips, etc.  Because you want to clean any gunk off there (read:  blood) and make sure you don't get an infection because THAT would suck.

Use all the water.  Why not? It feels good, and you don't really want to be wiping at this time, no matter how angel soft your toliet paper might be.  Use it until you have stopped bleeding for a week, and until wiping doesn't sound like you might die if you do it. And keep it around -- you might never know what else it would be good for.

Spaghetti is a good morning snack.

At least it is when you are pregnant.  Because who's gonna tell you NOT to eat spaghetti at 10 a.m.?

PJ walked all the way from his room to the front door this morning (holding mama's hand, of course).   He's so close, he just needs to have a little more confidence in himself, I think.   He also loves strawberries (not sure how those two things are related, they probably are not).

I hate that lately I am consumed with HATING that I can't be home with him.  It's really bothering me lately, and I am not sure why it is bothering me SO MUCH so OFTEN.  It's always bothered me, but it's all I can think about while I am at work these few weeks.  Is it because it's nicer out?  Or because he's having so much fun playing now?  I don't know, but I do know that I hate it with a passion.  Damn women's lib.   I would be perfectly happy cleaning, cooking, and taking care of the kids while John made the money.   Guess we're gonna have to win that $252 million powerball.

I think, because it's all I can really do, is that after maternity leave is over, I am going to start looking for a job in the burbs.  In the Oak Brook/Downers Grove/Burr Ridge area.  I don't want a raise.  I want to be able to leave the house at 745 for a job that starts at 8:30, and be home by 5 for a job I get out of at 4:30.  I want to be able to leave at 3 p.m. and not wait for 30 minutes for a train, instead being home in 30 minutes.  I'd even be willing to take a small paycut if it meant no more commuting by train and waiting for bullshit.   I'd have to pay K&E back some tuition reimbursement most likely, but not too much.  We'd figure it out.  I might actually not apply for any more after this quarter so the amount I have to pay back would be minimal -- only like $1000.  Which sucks, but would be worth it to be gone from 745 to 5 instead of 7 to 530.

Today's edition of what happens after the baby comes out.

The first time you pee.
Okay, so my only experience with this is after having an epidural.    You won't really be able to stand/walk on your own.   So hopefully your husband will help you to the bathroom, which is hopefully not that far away.  The nurse will most likely have handed him a peri bottle  (a small bottle that you fill with warm water with a squirty top -- remember this, it will become your new love) filled with hot water, a huge pad, and some -- wait for it -- mesh panties (more on that stuff later, this is strictly about peeing).

When you go to sit down to pee, you will be instructed to take the bottle and squirt it all over your vagina, the lips, etc -- don't TOUCH it, just squirt.  It will feel WONDERFUL.  Maybe even a little orgasmic. Don't wipe.  The water is enough.  You don't want to wipe.   What you need to be ready for though, is what you will see (and what your husband will see) when you stand up.

There's going to be A LOT of blood in that toilet.  A LOT.  Like  I-just-killed-a-small-animal-over-the-toilet amount of blood.  This is TOTALLY normal.  Don't freak out.  Your after peeing toilet bowl is going to look like this for AWHILE.  Some will probably drip down your leg.  Have your husband  wipe this up for you.  He just saw you give birth, he can handle this.

We sort of took a step.

PJ's been getting a little more secure in standing on his own - he stood several times yesterday for a decent amount of time, and he even tried to take a couple steps towards me!  YAY!! I think he'll be full out walking in a few weeks or so.  I can't wait.  We were at Wildfire yesterday and he wanted to walk so I took his hand and we walked around the lobby while he yelled things and smiled at people.

He was also enamored with the little babies at the G2G on Saturday.   He just looks at them -- like HEY!  You're SMALLER than me! 

My little happiness also slept till 8 both days this weekend -- of course Saturday, I woke up at 7 and didn't go back to sleep because I figured he'd wake up any second and I'd have to get up so what was the point.  But it was cute laying there and cuddling with him in our bed since John went to golf.  Last night he woke up a few times though, not like the normal STTN he's been doing.  Not sure what the problem was.  But then I had to go wake him up this morning which I hate doing, even though he is all smiley and cuddling and so happy to see his mama.

I am 14 weeks pregnant.  Feeling some flutters on occasion, which when I was pregnant with PJ I chalked up to gas, but that's how you learn.  I am excited to feel real kicks.  My naked belly also looks "pregnancy shaped" although to people it probably is still questionable.  I've had some people give me the "look" about the wondering if I'm pregnant. Sometimes it's funny to just let them wonder.

And today's installment of what happens after the baby comes out.

Stitches

So although you dialate to 10 cm (which, let's face it, is this much): ___________________________________________

you still might need a little help to push your little happiness out.  So you might tear.  Now DON'T FREAK OUT because you will NOT feel this.   You'll have know idea when, or if this happens, till after your baby is here and out and they say we have to stitch you up.  Some of you might have heard of an episiotomy, which is where you actually get cut, with scissors.  This is very uncommon nowadays.  Most doctors don't do it because it isn't necessary.

Okay, so if you tear, you'll need to be sewn up like the Thanksgiving turkey after you stuff it (nice visual).  Again, you won't feel this, because they numb the area.   However, if you don't want to SEE the stitching, I suggest you do not look forward.  Look to the right, left, close your eyes, whatever.  There's something a little unnerving about seeing a long piece of string coming up from your vajayjay.

Anyway, not painful, not a big deal, and the stitches disslove. And if you are lucky, you'll have a joker husband like mine that tells you, "I asked the doc to put a couple extra in there.  You know.  To make it tighter."

Nice work, honey.

This has nothing to do with babies.

But occasionally, one of these posts is gonna come up.

So my wonderful (and I mean that these days, because as weird/annoying/odd as she was when all the shit was going on, now she truly is wonderful) MIL wanted to go with her boyfriend, me and Johnny over to my parents so they could meet Ken (her BF) and she could see my mom, because they get along well.   We planned it for next weekend, the 25th.

So my mom calls me today and says she wants to do it in May.   I say, well, that's gonna be difficult because MIL and BF go to their lakehouse and I know they are going the first weekend in May, the next weekend is Mother's Day, the weekend after that we have stuff going on, etc...why do you want to wait till May?  She says because she wants to be outside.  Um....okay, it might be nice outside.  But the table is not out there.  I don't get it.   I tell her May won't work, and we'll probably have to wait till June.  Oh that's fine she says.  And then.

She starts crying.  For those of you who don't know, a symptom of ALS is the inability to control your emotions, which means crying/laughing for no reason.   Even though I know this, I can't help but feel like I made her start crying when she starts while talking to me.  And then she cries, and tries to speak, and forgive me for using this word, and she sounds retarded.  And I can't stand it.   So I tell her to stop crying, and she can't, so she says she'll call me back.

She does.  She says she's sorry, I say it's fine. She says we'll do it in June, I say fine.  Even though, to me, it's not fine.

And then I find out that other people are going over to her house to visit her next weekend.  That's okay?? They don't have to be outside?? WHAT THE FUCK.

My MIL doesn't have to go over there.   But she wants to.  And she has been an unbelievable support to me and I am pissed off that for some reason, other people can go see my mom and be inside or whatever the fuck but my MIL cannot.   And I am pissed and there is nothing I can do about it.  Just like there was nothing I can do about the fact that they showed up 90 minutes LATE for PJ's birthday party, and then proceeded to leave 90 minutes later.   I know things take longer nowadays, but you KNOW what time it starts. And they had the cake.

Sigh.  I'm so fucking tired of all of this.

Well hello there, 2nd Trimester

So I am officially in the second trimester today.  Or yesterday.  Or whatever.  I'm over 13 weeks, so there you go.

This is the slow, boring part of the pregnancy.  I feel better, but I'm still tired, and I still get nauseous and that OMG IF I DON'T EAT IN THE NEXT FOUR SECONDS I AM GOING TO DIE feeling.  But this is pretty uneventful.  I feel some flutters, but no real movement.   Nothing exciting at the next appt -- hear the heartbeat again, which is super cool, but we'll hear it at every appointment here on out.   So we are in the boring part of pregnancy.

PJ has started to walk just holding on to one hand now.  He usually starts cracking up and ends up falling down, but we're getting there.  I think he'll be walking on his own in the next month or so.   He crawled pretty late, and since he's so good at that now he probably is just taking a bit longer.  I'm okay with that.

My good friend Rita, who has a 7 month old, is pregnant again.  She's due November 20, so she's about 5 weeks behind me.  She's a little freaked out (her little ones will be 14 months apart) but I know she'll be able to handle it.   Her older brothers are 15 months apart and she and her middle bro are 18 months apart.   So I guess she's following in mama's footsteps. :)

I've decided in each blog post, I'm gonna post something that's going to go in my "What happens after labor is over" book.  Today's topic:  Afterbirth.

Afterbirth is pretty much all the shit (literally and figuratively) that is still inside after your beautiful bundle of happiness is out.   Before they stitch you up (we'll talk about that later), a nurse will pretty much straddle you and push down on your "I had a baby in there about two minutes ago and it's stretched out to proportions I didn't know possible" uterus to get it all out.   It's painful -- not excruciating, not terrible, but your abdomen feels like someone is dropping a car on it.    It's important that this all comes out though. 

This might be a good time for your husband to go see the baby in the nursery.  John was a trooper during the entire birth, and was not grossed out.  But even he, upon hearing what was coming, kissed my forehead, and said "I'm gonna go see PJ, babe."

21 pounds, 3 ounces!

PJ is 21 pounds, 3 ounces!! I am so excited.   I wanted him to be at least 20 pounds by the time he was one year, and he surpassed that.   He was such a good boy at the doctor.   Only cried a bit when he got his shots and then went home and went right to bed.  

It's a beautiful day!

Heard little twig's heartbeat on Saturday.  Nice and strong.  I've only gained one pound so far, chasing around PJ probably has a little something something to do with that.   I got to stay home with my little guy on Friday and it was a gorgeous day.  We ran some errands, played outside.   It makes me want to be a SAHM even more when I have days like that with him.  When all of us are home, it just feels like a day we are all home.  But when it's just  me and PJ, I just think about how awesome it would be for this to be how it was EVERY day.  What can you do?   Hopefully we win the lottery or SOMETHING.

Yesterday was Easter and PJ was a good by at his Great-Grandma's as usual.   He wore his cute little polo and khakis and was just adorable, as usual.  He's also taken to reaching for the door knob when he wakes up like he is trying to open the door.  You know in case the yells of MA! DA!  aren't loud enough for us to hear on the monitor.

I'm pretty much strictly in maternity clothes now.  I have one pair of regular jeans that still fits, and my shirts fit, but most are too short.  So why wait?  Just wear the damn comfy clothes, that's what they are for right?