Oh yeah. This other thing.

So amid the happiness in my life, I have a very sad sad spot.

My mom has ALS, Lou Gehrig's disease. She was diagnosed in May of this year. It's a very degenerating disease, with a very poor prognosis and no cure. I never imagined that when I had a baby my mom wouldn't be able to pick him up. Or change his diaper. Or babysit. Sometimes, for a brief moment, I forget that she can't do these things. I think, oh my mom will watch PJ. But she can't. And every time, reality comes crashing back and I realize that it's not the way it was supposed to be.

I remember when we got married, and I imagined having kids, and how excited my mom would be. How I'd never have to worry about needing a babysitter, how my kids would be spoiled rotten. It hurts so much that this can't happen.

I feel bad. I feel bad that it makes me sad, that sometimes all I want to do is cry. But I can't. I need to be happy and be strong for my little guy. And John doesn't deserve for his wife to be depressed all the time. But every time I talk to her I hear it in her voice. Every morning that I don't have an email from her like I used to, I am reminded. Every time I call her at home on a Tuesday afternoon instead of at work. Every time I go to her house and she can't hug me. Every card I get that is signed by Terry instead of my mom. And then I feel selfish. And I want to scream how unfair this is and how my mom doesn't deserve it. And as much as I want to go see her, I hate going there because then I have to see her like this. I hate how fast it hit her. I know she was cutting a rug at our wedding two years ago. last year at this time she was driving. And now, nothing. She needs help to get out of a chair. To walk to the bathroom.

I hate it. I hate ALS and I hate that I can't fucking do anything about it.

I tell you, without my happiness, I'd be in a sorry state.