Yet again linking up with the fabulous Shell for another edition of Pour Your Heart Out.
I posted earlier this week about my actions and attitude towards my husband.
Why is it the one person we love most, the person we should be the MOST respectful, caring, and nice to, is always the one that gets the shit end of the stick?
Especially when we KNOW what we could be dealing with?
Before John, I was with a huge asshole for SIX YEARS. It took me a long time to realize I was worth more than he made me feel, that I deserved better than he treated me, that I could do better.
Before John, I was with a huge asshole for SIX YEARS. It took me a long time to realize I was worth more than he made me feel, that I deserved better than he treated me, that I could do better.
He verbally, emotionally, and occasionally physically abused me. He threatened me. I never got to go out with my friends. I didn't get to celebrate birthdays the way I wanted. I lived my life in fear of him screaming at me, and leaving me. Even though him leaving me would have been the best thing to ever happen, he made me feel like I couldn't be loved. Like no one in their right mind would ever love me.
After this, John was amazing. I didn't know how to react to someone who loved me for who I was, who respected me, who treated me as an equal, a partner, a friend.
But now John and I have been together for six years. And somehow, subconciously, I feel like I am blaming him for the years of heartache I went through. He was around. He was friends with my ex. He saw how he treated me.
Am I mad he didn't step in?
He told me everything I already knew. A month before we broke up. Am I mad he didn't tell me sooner that I should break up with him? that I deserved better? That he treated me like shit? That he loved me?
He told me everything I already knew. A month before we broke up. Am I mad he didn't tell me sooner that I should break up with him? that I deserved better? That he treated me like shit? That he loved me?
Is that why I am doing this now?
Whatever the reason, I don't know. I do know that I have strived the past two days to remember why I love him. Why I fell in love with him. Why is absolutely the most wonderful thing to happen to me. Without him, I'd be miserable and alone. I wouldn't have my amazing, wonderful children.
Whatever the reason, I don't know. I do know that I have strived the past two days to remember why I love him. Why I fell in love with him. Why is absolutely the most wonderful thing to happen to me. Without him, I'd be miserable and alone. I wouldn't have my amazing, wonderful children.
I wouldn't know what it meant to be loved. Treated with respect. Made to feel like I matter.
I even held it together when he got mad at me for something stupid this morning. Normally I'd get snotty and sarcastic, but I didn't. Because while he didn't react as nicely as he could have, I haven't been acting nice at all. So I deserve a little pay back. And if I can keep my cool through something like that, I know I can do this.
It's been a rough couple years for us. With the exception of PJ and Maggie, we've had a lot of bad things happen. We lost our dog, my only friend when I was dating the ex, the shoulder I cried on daily, suddenly while I was pregnant with PJ.
John's parents got divorced.
I suffered a miscarriage.
John's dad had quadruple bypass surgery.
My mom was diagnosed with ALS.
We watched her and continue to watch her wither away to nothing.
John's dad died.
My mom continues to get worse.
The last thing we need is bullshit anger in our marriage. And so my pledge, my heart, stops it now.
The first step is seeing the situation for what it is and it appears you are doing that.
ReplyDeleteYou guys have been through a lot....if you can make it through those tough times you'll be able to make it through anything. I love that you are so honest!
ReplyDeleteI agree with the others. You've been through a lifetime of crap already, you're recognizing what's happening... so you WILL get thru this and will come out on top- and with an even stronger marriage.
ReplyDeleteSounds like you've been through a lot with that last relationship and unfortunately that can totally taint what we have now and prevent us from enjoying it. I'm sorry you are going through this. But, like others have said, you are recognizing it making an effort. I'm sure John appreciates your efforts. Hang in there.
ReplyDeleteYou sure have had a rough year for sure. It takes a big person to take a good hard look at themselves in the mirror and realize what needs to be changed. I wish I could do the same thing.
ReplyDeleteI went back and read your earlier post asking for help and I can soooo relate. I've been such a bitch to my husband...sometimes for good reason, other times not. My problem is instead of just coming right out and telling him why I'm feeling angry and resentful, I just let sarcastic, hurtful comments roll off my tongue.
I admire your pledge. I wish so much that I could find a way to do the same.
Such difficult things to deal with in a relatively short amount of time. You also might be testing him...to make sure he's going to stick around. It sound childish, but every now and then, I find myself doing this to Husband.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you've made a promise to yourself, your husband, and your marriage. It really sounds like it's worth keeping...
You have gone through a lot. For me, it's b/c it's "safe" to get mad at my husband- I know he'll still be there, so I end up taking out my bad moods on him.
ReplyDelete