PYHO: Out of tragedy, happiness.

The past few years have been rough.   I watched my mom suffer from the worst disease, ALS or Lou Gehrig's disease, that robbed of her ability to move, speak, eat, or live.  I lost my mom to this terrible disease on February 24. 

I miss her more than anything.  I missed her so much when she was here, and now I miss her more than I could have ever imagine.  I'm sad that my stepdad is alone.  I'm sad that my kids will never experience their grandmother, because you bet your ass she would have been the best grandma there was. I'm sad that I'll never get to hear her tell me I'm doing a good job as a mom.  I'm sad she didn't get to do all the things she was looking so forward to doing.

But in the face of all this tragedy, I am striving to see the good.  Of course, I would have rather she'd never gotten ALS at all.  But since she did, and it is so cruel, I am glad she is no longer suffering because of it.  I'm proud that she fought till her very last breath. She gave it everything she had.  And I admire her for that. 

I am touched at the sheer number of people who came to say good-bye, who stepped up to be supportive, who commented on how much she loved me, how proud she was of me.

I am happy that this terrible experience has already brought my stepdad and I closer.

I am thrilled that, because it is something my mom would have wanted, that my family and I will be moving into their home -- a home that is bigger, better, nicer, and in a neighborhood where the schools are great and the kids will have a wonderful childhood.  Thousands of times better than where we currently are.

And I know that she is so happy that she was able to do this for me, for John, for PJ and for Maggie.  Knowing that they will have such a wonderful place to grow up, such a wonderful backyard to have fun in.  Knowing that their grandpa will be close by and able to come over often.

I am glad that the tension between John and I seems to have settled.  We haven't fought at all since my mom passed -- little nits here and there that have diminished quickly.  I never really thought about it, but subconsciously I think my mom being sick was leading to unnecessary fighting. 

I am strong.  I am stronger than I ever imagine I could be.  But I am strong because I am surrounded by people who love me and support me.

And because my mother was the strongest person I've ever known.

Love you Mom.