Today is a rough day for me.
Three years ago today, we lost our dog, the greatest, best dog I ever had and ever will have.
Neo. He died suddenly and unexpectedly. He was not even six years old. He had gotten bloat. He died on our kitchen floor. John and a neighbor put him in the car and we drove him to be cremated. I was nearly 8 months pregnant. It was devastating, and still is. I think about him every single day.
When I went to the bathroom a week after getting a positive pregnancy test, and saw the bleeding, and wept. experiencing another loss, Neo was the first one to come to my side. I sobbed into his fur. Neo was my protector, one of my greatest friends. Some of you might think I'm crazy because I'm talking about a dog, but this dog was for a good portion of my early 20s, the only thing I had in the world. I was in a terrible relationship with an abusive guy and thought I was doomed. Neo was my only hope.
In May of 2009, I began to lose my mother. She was diagnosed with ALS, and every day since then, I have lost a little more of her, to the point that now there isn't much left to lose. I will lose her completely, physically, emotionally, very very soon, I know. That will prove to be the greatest loss of my life.
In January of 2011, we lost my father-in-law. Suddenly, unexpectedly. Devastatingly. I'd already lost so much. We'd already lost so much. We were already preparing to lose my mom. Why did the universe hate us so much?
They say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. I often try to hold back my tears. Sometimes I can't, and I cry over something seemingly insignificant.
I'm tired of being strong. I'm ready to move on in my grief. I'm ready for closure.
I completely understand how you feel. We lost two of our beloved rabbits a few years ago and I still miss them and I love talking to the kids about them and showing them pictures. Those rabbits got me through some of the roughest times in my life. My mom thought I was crazy to grieve them the way I did (and still do) when they both passed away.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry for your loss....even if it was 3 years ago. It's like losing your best friend or a member of the family. It still hurts.
Neo sounds like the best dog---our dogs are getting older in age, and I don't know what we'll do when their time comes. It seems unfair to lose a best friend so early as 6 years!
ReplyDeleteAwwww.... {{HUGS}}
ReplyDeleteGrief is such a funny thing. It can be so much the same from one event to the next and even one person to the next. But something about it can also be so unpredictable too. I hope you find the closure you're looking for. Hugs, mama.
ReplyDeleteOh I wish I could just give you a big hug, play with your kids for a few hours or the whole day and tell you to go do whatever you want, cry, scream, shout, shop. So so sorry
ReplyDeleteWhat a cute dog! I'm so sorry for your loss! He looks like he was a sweet dog.
ReplyDeleteThat quote is so true. It's okay if you need to cry, girl.
ReplyDelete:( i totally agree with that last quote. ::Hugs::
ReplyDeleteit's Ok to cry, and grief is a journey. blessings and peace to you as you walk along it.
ReplyDeleteOh man...this made ME tear up and I'm solid as a rock (yeah, right)...
ReplyDeleteWe had to leave Dog overnight at the vet one night and Husband and I sobbed together. It was ridiculous as I don't even really like her (it's not that I don't like her, but she's become a hairy, shedding, mouth to feed and sometimes I get really guilty that I don't take care of her like I should). You never know how much a pet will impact you. I will sob like a baby when Dog goes.
I have no idea how you don't cry more. You've really been through the wringer since I started reading your blog. I find you incredible strong, but so want some closure for you too...you need it.