I read something on Facebook the other day. It was something along the lines of "I pretend to sympathize with my friends when they complain about fighting with their mothers, when I wish I had a mother around to fight with."
Technically, my mother is still here.
Well, her body is.
I would give ANYTHING to have an argument with her. To get exasperated with her, to complain to John about how annoying she is.
I'd give anything to call her and tell her that PJ said water last night.
I'd give anything to have her come over Saturday night to baby-sit.
I'd give anything to have her sign my birthday card. Or come to my kids' birthday parties. Or send me an email.
To hear her say she loves me.
To have her hug me back.
To have a girls day where we go to lunch, and to the spa, and shopping.
To have her make me egg salad.
I wish she knew that PJ loves bananas.
I wish she knew that Maggie loves grapes.
I wish she knew that PJ loves Buzz, Cars, trains, and dinosaurs.
I wish she knew that Maggie says hi, bye, ma, da, and mine.
I wish I would have known sooner that the last years she'd be alive would be cruel and unrelentless. That they would consist of her being trapped in a body that doesn't work, unable to speak, eat, move or enjoy any part of life.
I wish I could bring myself to go see her more. I wish it didn't make me so depressed, so sad, so helpless that I would rather not see her.
I wish I could help my stepdad. He is overwhelmed. He won't get hospice since she won't accept that she needs it. I worry everyday something would happen to him.
I wish she would die so I could finish mourning her properly. So she could no longer be in pain. Be suffering be miserable.
It's the worst disease I've ever seen. It's cruel and heartless. It affects not only the patient, but everyone who loves them.
Every time I see her, she has withered away a little more. And every time I see her, I think it can not be possible for her to look or get worse. And I am proven wrong every time.
I'm so sorry. even though when my dad died it was sudden and there was no chance to say good-bye, I am comforted by the fact that he didn't suffer and now he's in a place where he is free from his wheelchair. I hope the same is soon true for your mom. I know that sounds weird, but you know what I mean. {{HUGS}}
ReplyDeleteAll I have to say is I have tears in my eyes and I send you love and strenght....
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry for what your family is going through. xo
ReplyDeleteLisa, I'm sorry about your mom and what your family dealing with.
ReplyDeleteOh Lisa. This is so sad. I am truly sorry for what you're going through. I pray for strength for you and your family to get through this difficult time in your life.
ReplyDeletePraying for you and your Mom and your family. I can't imagine. ((HUGS))
ReplyDeletethe title is spot on for this. i wish i could say something more. it pains me that you and yours have to go through this.
ReplyDeleteI cannot even imagine how difficult it must be to see her in that condition. It's like being stuck between a rock and a hard place. Your mother is alive but she's not who she used to be...she's not the mother you remember growing up with.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry.
It is by far the cruelest most horrible disease around. No one truly understands until they have to live it..
ReplyDeleteAll my thoughts are with you, hoping you can find the strength to get through the next little while until she can finally be in a better place.
I am so sorry.
ReplyDeleteUnfortunately, we too have watched as my father in law, slowly detoriated (the after effects of a stroke). It is a cruel act of fate, having your loved one physically here, but unable to fully take on their role as grandparent.
I am so sorry. I cannot imagine how painful this must be for you to have to see your mother like this. I really, really hope she and your stepdad will realize that she needs help desperately.
ReplyDeleteI can't begin to imagine the pain you're all going through. My thoughts and prayers are with your family, and I hope it's all over soon so you can all find peace.
ReplyDeleteThis must be so tough to deal with...it really does sound like a horrible disease. I hate that you, your mom, and your family have to deal with this. Thoughts and prayers your way!
ReplyDeleteBeautiful post. Your mother is lucky she has a daughter like you, whom I am sure she still can feel the love from.
ReplyDeleteI cannot imagine how hard this must be, not just for her, but for your whole family. I am sending thoughts and prayers to you. {hugs}
ReplyDeleteI can't imagine how difficult that must be for your family. Hang in there.
ReplyDeleteI would think that missing her that badly while she is still physically alive has got to be one of the most hurtful things. I wish so many of these things for you too...no one deserves a disease like this...no one.
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