Blame.
Some people need to assess it.
For everything.
Someone very close to me (ahem, my husband) is one of those people. And unfortunately, the blame is usually put on me. Although he'll never admit that. Although he'll say he is at fault for a lot of stuff.
I don't like to assess blame. It usually doesn't solve anything or make anything better. I've found that just admitting to whatever it was achieves much more than getting blamed for it.
Getting blamed makes you defensive. Sad. Upset. Mean. Maybe even bitchy.
You automatically shift to "why is this MY fault" even if it clearly is.
Because you were blamed for it.
Sometimes, I blame myself for stuff.
I blame myself for us being stuck in our crappy house. I think that if I only hadn't bought this house when the mortgage bubble was going on, if I had only broken up with the asshole ex sooner, we could have bought the house we wanted instead of being stuck in this old house.
But we have a house.
A three bedroom house, so each of our kids has their own room. And yes our kitchen and bathrom are the smallest known to man, but we have a house. The house our kids are growing up in. It's not the house they'll finish growing up in (because we WILL move, dammit) but it's the first house they'll call home. It's the first place they slept after they were born. And it's a house.
I blame myself for my ridiculous amount of student loan debt. I mean it's fucking ATROCIOUS.
But most of it got me the job I have today. And I swear, once we move and don't need credit for anything else, I'm just gonna stop paying those fuckers and let my credit go to shit. We have no credit card debt and no auto debt, and we plan to keep it that way. We'll pay for our cars outright, and continue to use a credit cards for everything and pay it off each month.
But what good is it. I can't change these things, so I might as well stop beating myself up about it.
Blaming does no good. It causes resentment, hurt feelings. It makes a bad situation worse and can turn a good situation bad.
I wish I could just convince my husband.
I had friends who bought in the bubble too, and they're struggling so bad.
ReplyDeleteAnd it's hard, to help remind them that at least they still have it, when so many others have lost it.
I'm glad your student loans got you your job. I'm glad they are worth something, unlike anyone who got the same degree I did.
No one really knew all this would happen. I've said a lot of what if's too in my life. The best we can do is set the example for our generation's problems do not happen to them.
You are so right...the blame does not get us anywhere! But most people will not take responsibility for it.
ReplyDeleteI am one who just takes the credit for anything bad. Easier for me to take the responsibility of fixing (which will happen anyways).
ReplyDeleteMaybe if he sees you change, he'll change? Yeah, well...we can dream can't we? ;)
ReplyDeleteI could have written this post - we are stuck in this little old house because I choose to move here to go back to school. every year we try to sell it but there is no way we can compete with the foreclosures and short sales. and i have a BEYOND ATROCIOUS amount of student loan debt and the sad thing is that i am not using it, i hated my job and have no desire ever to be an attorney again. Good Old Aunt Sallie is not getting too much from me ... at the current rate it would literally take me 250 years to pay it back. never going to happen.
ReplyDeletebut we have a house, i have a ton of worthless knowledge in my head and we are pretty happy so I guess it could be a lot worse!
Yea, we bought our house in AZ at almost the top of the bubble- then since we moved and weren't living in the house--since my husband's job moved us to a different state- they won't even talk with us and work with us. It sucks
ReplyDeleteTOTALLY agree with all of this.
ReplyDeleteMy suggestion would be to just focus on yourself and being the most positive person you can be since you can't change your husband or anyone else. The only thing you can control is how you react to them. I don't know if it's intentional or not but you sound very angry and negative towards him.
ReplyDeleteNo, blaming really does no good at all.
ReplyDeleteI can always find ways to blame myself for something and then it just makes everything feel worse. Trying to stop that.
Student loans? Um, yeah, I try to pretend mine doesn't exist.
I do most of the blaming here, of myself. Trying to stop because I can't outrun the voice in my head!
ReplyDeleteYou're right that blaming gets us nowhere, but in this day and age, no one is quick to accept responsibility anymore. That being said, I know I tend to bristle as well when I feel like I'm being blamed!
ReplyDeleteUgh, the blame game sucks. My husband and I can dance in circles for hours blaming each other for stupid shit but in the end it doesn't resolve the issues. It just adds to more resentment and bitterness. Sometimes I just cave and accept the blame just so we can move on.
ReplyDeleteHang in there!
My husband used to do the same shit until one say, I said to him, "stop talking about what I did wrong and focus on what you're really mad about..." Once he realized (as you have) that there was no going back in time and that we just had to deal with the situation at hand, he found some acceptance and stopped being such an asshole. Granted, this took about 2.5 years. Ugh...
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