I love my husband with my entire heart and soul. He's my best friend, my biggest supporter, he makes me laugh, he makes me happy. He also annoys me, says things he shouldn't, acts like a jerk sometimes and sometimes I don't like him very much.
And I do the same to him.
I often see other married couples looking like they are so happy and everything is perfect all the time, and I get jealous. Why aren't WE like that? Why do we have these stupid fights -- the same ones - over, and over, and over again? Why do we constantly repeat the same points, say the same apologies, do the same things that we should just STOP doing so we can avoid the stupid fight for the 1000th time?
We both have very high standards for certain aspects of our lives. And we think very differently about the two things we always fight about, which is WHY we always fight about them. It's hard to change your behavior when you don't agree what you're doing is wrong or disrespectful. So try and try as we might, we keep screwing up and reverting to the things the other one doesn't want us to do.
And as fantastic and wonderful as our children have made our lives, having kids and being parents bring a whole new world of things to get upset about. I have moments where I'm so resentful that I take care of the kids 90% of the time. I change them, bathe them, feed them, put them to bed. I can't just go out on a Thursday night. I can't just relax while someone else does all those things. But then I remember that I don't have to mow the lawn. Or shovel the snow. Or take out the garbage, or take the dog to the vet. I don't have to pick up the dog poop, or rake the leaves.
I'm tired of the stupid fighting and the stupid tiffs. I want to be happy most of the time, but it's hard. Spending your life with another person, no matter how perfect for each other you might be, takes work. It takes patience, empathy, commitment and compromise.
Most of all, it takes love.
More marriages might survive if the partners realized that sometimes the better comes after the worse. -- Doug Larson
oh honey do i feel ya. it is hard. sooo hard. i-get-why-the-divorce-rate-is-so-high hard. ;) good post, chica. xo
ReplyDeleteMy husband and I have a unique situation. The day after we got engaged, he had a gran mal seizure and was diagnosed with brain cancer.
ReplyDeleteIt's made every day feel deliberate.
About five months before our wedding, when he was having a particularly rough time with chemo, he said, "All I want is to have spent more of my life married to you than not." He was a week shy of 25.
And so, every time something petty comes up... we just sort of stop and remember that we're living on stolen time, and that we don't want to miss any of it. And then we eat something really bad for us and snuggle on the couch and watch something stupid like Robot Chicken.
I guess the only advice is to always remember that you've made this choice to love each other, and it's a constant choice. And that you are so unfathomably lucky to have each other.
I hope that sort of helps.
Marriage is tough. Add small children, two jobs, commuting, family stresses, illness, etc and it's even tougher. Whenever you feel you're about to explode or say something you may regreg, just remember your children and the kind of household you want to raise them in.
ReplyDeleteHi, My name is Lynn and I think that we have the same life!! lol I absolutely feel your situation. Oh, the dumb fights!! They take up so much of our energy and yet we still have enough energy to try to get in the last words. I hope that things for today, go by as smoothly as possible!!
ReplyDeleteLynn
One thing I remember from years ago on Dr. Phil- "Do you want to be happy or do you want to be right?" That's one I keep in my head and heart often!
ReplyDeleteMarriage is so hard. and those people who make it look like it's easy and they don't ever have any problems? I don't believe it. I think they are just hiding it in public.
ReplyDeleteoh yes! Sometimes we play the "I'm more tired than you" game, but really, it's all the same-we're just different kinds of tired...
ReplyDeleteMarriage is work, but it's worth it...
Yes, marriage does take work. But it is definitely worth it. Eric is just so layed back that it has made it so we haven't butt heads too many times-though there they have been times were it was the most challenging life altering thing in my life.
ReplyDeleteAW ;-)
ReplyDeleteThis was a great reminder!! Marriages ISN'T easy!! I also see those other "happy" couples and feel jealous.
Actually I want to punch them and find out what kind of drugs they are taking.....
Marriage is hard. We have the same dumb fights over and over again too. And yes, adding kids into the mix makes it harder. I feel the same way you do about the kids--most of the burden is on us moms. It's hard. Don't be fooled by the other couples--they've got plenty of crap going on too!
ReplyDeleteOh gosh, I totally hear you. We tend to argue about the same things all the time, too. We dance in circles sometimes without ever solving the issue. My husband is happy sweeping the problems under the rug, while I want to fix them NOW.
ReplyDeleteMarriage is definitely hard work. And then you add kids to the mix and bam...it's a whole 'nother level of difficult.
But at the end of the day we just have to remember that our husbands are on our side. Sometimes I forget that we're a team.
Ebbs and flows, sister...it's so damn hard.
ReplyDeleteI think that it definitely got better for us when the Crazies turned 2, but then I had me knee surgery. There's always stress and that never brings out the best in anyone.
I'm glad that Husband makes me discuss issues and come to a resolution. We (surprisingly) rarely have a fight that comes up again and again...we believe in resolution and change. It takes two though...so damn hard.
BTW, those people that look so perfect, most usually aren't.
I'm not married, but a friend's parents were the "perfect couple" like the ones you see in the grocery store. Let's just say I'd rather have the parents who fight over stuff but love each other anyway :)
ReplyDeleteStopping by from PYHO (just a little later this week!)
I can so relate to what you wrote here. I sometimes resent the fact that I do almost everything that concerns the kids, then I tell myself, I don't have to go out and work for money to take care of the family. Marriage is so hard, especially after kids. We also find that we have so much less time for each other these days. Yes, we need that love to keep us together.
ReplyDelete