But alas.
If you're a regular reader of my blog (and thank you for being patient), you know I lost my mom to ALS in February of last year. It was nearly three year battle, three years of waiting for the inevitable.
The waiting is the hardest part. The watching, wondering, seeing, praying.
Watching the person you love suffer and wither away.
Wondering if they'll be here this time next year, next month, next week.
Seeing the light in their eyes fade, seeing their tears because they just want it to be over.
Praying that the sweet relief of death comes soon.
And then the feeling guilty, sad, anxious, pissed.
Guilty that you want someone you love to die. You'll think what kind of asshole wants someone they love to die???
The kind of asshole who wants peace and freedom from suffering. The kind of asshole that isn't one at all.
Sad that someone you love is about to leave you. Sad that you can't remember the last time you were together and you weren't wondering when they were going to leave. Sad that you can't remember a time when the person wasn't sick.
Anxious that you will be in the bathroom when you get the call. Or laughing and joking with a friend. Anxious every time your phone rings. Anxiously checking it every few minutes to make sure it didn't stop working.
Pissed. You've never been more pissed. Pissed that someone you love is suffering. Pissed it has to be this way. And pissed there's nothing you can do.
And the mourning. You're mourning someone who is still here. They aren't here the way they should be; they aren't here the way you want them to be, but they are alive in the scientific sense of the word. So the mourning goes on and on and on.
I'm not happy I am familiar with this. I am not happy that I can relate, that I am the person my friends and loved ones go to when something similar is happening to them.
I am happy to help them through.
I am happy to let them know it's okay. All these feelings. All this turmoil.
All this bullshit.
My dear, dear friend, Christina is currently going through this.
It's not her mom, it's her cherished grandmother.
And yes, she's older. She's lived a wonderful life.
But that doesn't change the fact that the waiting?
Is the hardest fucking part.
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I can't imagine going through that kind of waiting.
ReplyDeleteNo doubt, waiting is the hardest part. All of it and everything that goes along with this. You've captured so much here - so many raw emotions. Thinking of you and your friend Christina.
ReplyDeleteYou are so right. I experienced this feeling with my grandfather. It was heart wrenching. You and your friend are in my heart.
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Oh my goodness! My friend Lea Grover (Becoming SuperMommy) sent me a link to this post b/c I am going through something similar with my dad right now. I actually wrote a post with the exact same title. This is a hell unlike anything I have ever known, and I just want it to be over. Thank you for sharing your story and expressing so well what it feels like to watch a loved one slowly die. I see this was from earlier in the year. I hope your family is at peace now.
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