It's 2010!

My happiness finished out the year with a terrible bout of RSV.  Poor little guy had a high fever, coughing, snotty nose for a good 5-6 days.  It was scary, it was the first time he's really been sick.  He's doing much better now and is back to my happy little PJ.   Only 17 pounds, 6 ounces for his 9 month check up, so we are working on getting him to eat more so he can be at least 20 pounds by his 1st birthday.

Went to what probably will be the last NYE dinner at Ruth's Chris with my parents.  RC's was awesome -- got the exact table we requested, a nice table in the back under the stairs so we weren't on display for people to see.   My mom pretty much has to be carried up the stairs now -- she can't do them on her own.  Her breathing has gotten worse, as well.   Last year at RC's she was able to walk in herself, feed herself, and drink her martini.   All Terry had to do was cut her steak.   Now she just sat there and Terry fed her.  As much as I should be used to it, it makes me want to burst into tears every time I witness it.

So enjoyed my time home with my boys, even if PJ was sick.  Saw great family over the holidays, and awesome friends.   I so wish work would stop getting in the way.

Almost Christmas, almost vacation!

So PJ has two teeth, and he's cuter than ever.  Still can't quite see them in a picture, but soon I am sure.  I cannot wait till Wednesday when I am then off till January 4.  It's going to be a great time to spend with my family.

As excited as I am about PJ's first Christmas, I am still annoyed about Christmas Eve.  Isn't it terrible?  We went to see my parents Saturday and I made the gravy, and my soon to be chef husband made the manicotti.   I just feel like it's not gonna feel like Christmas at all and I hate that I feel this way.  I love my mom so much, and as much as everyone tries to be happy, it's depressing, no matter what.   Terry went shopping while we were there Saturday, so she was sitting for awhile.  When he got home he tried to have her walk and she couldn't; he ended up having to carry her back to her chair.  It's just sad.

Anyway, my little boy makes everything better.  He really is the greatest.

Sometimes I wonder...

Sometimes I wonder what a wreck I would be if PJ wasn't in my life right now.

On Saturday, PJ and I went to my parents (John had to work).   We were talking about Christmas Eve, and John and I had previously discussed going over there in the afternoon, before his Aunt & Uncle's, so my parents could see PJ awake, and we thought it would be better than going there around 830 as we always did, since my mom is in the state she is in.  My mom started crying, bawling, how she wanted it to be how it was before, with us coming over in the evening.  Could we change it? Yes.  Of course.  WE'll go there, and go to Aunt Lee's late.  Not a big deal.

But you know what was a big deal?  The fact that when she was crying, I couldn't understand her.  That's normal, you're thinking.  It's hard to understand most people when they are crying.   No - she sounded, and forgive my use of this word, retarded.  She sounded like someone who is unable to speak trying to speak.  It was awful.   Terry started crying.  She said she hated herself.   I was frozen.  Tears were streaming down my face, but I didn't know what to say or what to do.   Terry then called me out of the room to tell me this might be her last Christmas.  Which I KNOW.  Which I bawled my EYES OUT to John about Thursday night.  But to hear Terry say it, I don't know.

The worst part of it is, that I don't want to go to their house instead of John's Aunt Lee's.  Because I feel awful there.  Because it makes me so mad, sad, angry, I don't know.  I don't want to feel that way on PJ's first Christmas.  And then I feel even WORSE that I feel that way to begin with.  What kind of selfish asshole doesn't want to see her own mother on Christmas when she's sick???  What the fuck is wrong with me.  Why when I am sitting in their house, I sit there thinking how it's probably gonna end up being our house, because, well my mom is going to have to be somewhere without stairs real soon.  And how bad is it that I like the idea that their house might be our house??? WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME.

I get annoyed that she calls me, leaves a message, then doesn't even give me a chance to call back.  But then I wonder -- did she forget she called?  I don't think memory loss is a symptom, but really, who the fuck knows?    John hasn't seen her since Thanksgiving, and I feel like she's gotten so much worse.  I hate watching Terry help her up the stairs.  I hate how her arms just lay there, lifeless and unable to do anything.   I hate seeing her like that and it's causing me to hate seeing her at all and I am so mad at myself for feeling this way.  But I don't know what to do.

And, now we have a tooth.

Man, apparently this is the week for milestones.  First standing, now the tooth, wonder what my little happiness will do today?

This week is taking forever, and I am sure next week will too, since we are on vacation in two weeks.  I cannot wait -- 11 glorious days with my little guy and my big guy! :) 

Lots of things to look forward to.   First, we got a Christmas bonus today even though they said we weren't going to.  Second, Saturday is our annual Christmas dinner with the Blairs -- and this year, the newly married and newly pregnant McGraths are joining us as well.  We are taking a limo and doing it up IN STYLE, yo.  Haha.  I can't wait though it should be so much fun.

Sunday, Santa's coming.  Not that PJ will know, or care, but I still am excited for his first Christmas picture with Santa.  It's going to be so cute.  And the Simmonses and our nephew are joining us so it should be so much fun.   Then we have to finish up some christmas shopping, and then it's almost Christmas and time for vacation.  YAY!!!!

Guess who can pull himself up to stand?

Oh that's right.  He did it twice last night while I was there helping a bit, and this morning I came out of the shower, and there he was, grinning away and standing like a big boy.  It's seriously so funny how one minute he can't do something and the next, BAM, he's a pro.  I can also SEE his tooth -- there's a hole, and it wants to come out, it just hasn't yet.  Come on tooth!!!

We'll finish decorating the tree tonight, can't wait to see PJ's face with all the lights.  :)

YAY for Christmas with kids.  It really makes it better. :)

Very thankful today.

Yesterday I found out my SIL and BIL are probably getting separated.  Although it's not a huge surprise, it is a shock it's happening so soon.  Their son just turned one.   It made me think how lucky I am that John and I have such a good relationship and are each other's best friend.  Yes, we have our fights -- believe me -- but I could never imagine thinking that separating was the next best step.  It makes me so happy that PJ has both his mommy and his daddy to take care of him at all times.

I am also thankful for the chockful of estrogen I'm going to be around tomorrow.  I've got a holiday gathering with some great girls who are from my internet board, who have turned into some of my closest friends, and then tomorrow night going to my oldest friend in the world's house for some girl/baby/fun time.  Tomorrow is gonna be a good day.  Then Sunday we are decorating our Christmas tree.  I cannot wait to see how excited PJ is about the lights and everything...which makes me wonder...where will he be while we are decorating?? That should be interesting!!! Might have to wait till he goes to bed!  He gets into everything nowadays.

Hello, my name is Lisa and I am addicted to POAS.

I am gonna do it again tonight or tomorrow.  And if it's a BFN (which it will be) I am going to get some ovulation tests.  I at least want to know if I am ovulating or what the fuck.  It's amazing to me my period still hasn't come, and PJ is nursing less, and eating solids.  I think the pumping is what's preventing it, because my body still thinks I am nursing 8 times a day.  That has got to be it.  But I hope I am ovulating!  I wish the fucking things weren't so expensive.  But the line ones are too hard to figure out, so I am getting some digital ones.  If I go through those with no positive, then I'll hit up the dollar store.  Or maybe vice versa.  I could spend $27 on 27 tests or $27 on 7 tests.  I guess I should be economical here.

I still am holding on that I got pregnant around our anniversary, which would just be the ultimate in perfection.  Since my happiness was pretty much the only good (and when I say good, I mean PHENOMENAL) thing to happen this year, I think I'm due since there's only 30 days left in 2009.  Right??