Sadness.

I haven't been around.

I'm at a loss.

I can't get things back to normal.

I'm still a damn good mom.

But I'm sad.

Mother's Day.  A mother's day where I didn't buy a card for my mother.  Where, upon going to the cemetery so John could visit my FIL, I discovered her grave marker was down.

I can't seem to keep my marriage going well.  A couple good days, then shit hits the fan.

I was made to feel guilty today because I don't make PJ and Maggie get out of the car and visit their grandfather's grave.  Because I don't think a 3 year old and a 1 year old should have to learn to visit their grandfather they will never remember by staring at a marker in the ground.

We'll bury her ashes in a couple weeks.

We've made the decision to forego a ceremony, we'll just be there as they are putting in their final resting place.

We need to move into the house.

My stepdad doesn't bring it up, but when we mention "when we move" in conversation, he doesn't object or say anything.

I need her to make sure this goes smoothly.  We need that house.  Badly.  More than anything right now.

I feel worse now.

I cannot believe she's gone.  I am scared I'll forget the sound of her voice.  I am scared I'll forget before she was sick.  I want to remember what it's like when I was waiting for the next bad thing to happen.

I miss her.