I've become extremely judgmental about death.
When you lose a parent too soon, it changes how you see lots of things. I never imagined it would change how I feel about death.
My mom was 55 years old. She should have lived another 30, at least another 20 years. She died from a terrible, dreadful disease. I lost my mother at 32 years old. My children will never remember her.
So when someone loses a grandparent who was in their 80s, or even 70s, yes, I feel sympathy. It hurts when you lose someone you love.
But I judge. I just want to scream "Why are you so fucking sad? At least they were old! At least they lived to see retirement age, to see their grandchildren grow up, so possibly have great grandchildren. They lived a long full life!"
It angers me.
I don't think people shouldn't grieve when someone elderly they love dies. But part of me wants them to realize that they are lucky that this person lived as long as they did. That their grandmother was at their kindergarten graduation, their 10th birthday party, their high school graduation, their wedding.
PJ and Maggie will have none of that.
When someone in their 50s loses a parent, yes it's sad and terrible. But their parent was there when their children were born. That parents held their kids, baby sat and spoiled them like grandparents do, watched their child turn into a wonderful mother or father and told them so.
It's not that I don't want people to be sad or to grieve their loss. I want them to realize how lucky they are.
I lost my mom at 32. I never was able and will never be able to call her for advice, to go out shopping with her, to tell her about the milestones her grandchildren are achieving. I wasn't even able to do this for a small portion of their lives.
So I judge. And that is one of the many, many things that has changed in me since I lost my mom.
TOTALLY and COMPLETELY understandable, LOG. really and truly.
ReplyDeletei can't even pretend to fathom the pain you've gone through and are continuing to go through... my m/c doesn't compare to it- it doesn't, i know- but it's all i have to work with and all i can say is that that, along with the 9 months it took me to get k/u again, woke me up to the truth behind LIVING EACH DAY TO THE FULLEST. tomorrow is just not guaranteed. for any of us.
xoxo
I agree with you on this. What's even crazier I know people that are just becoming parents in their late 40's and early 50's. It seems unfair when someone like your mom passes away at some a young age...so much for life to live...taken away by that terrible disease.
ReplyDeleteI agree also.... I am the same age as you, and I cannot believe I don't have a dad anymore. Or that my kids will only ever get to hear stories and see pictures of him. My grandfather died in his 80's and while it was sad, it was also time and we were able to let him go more easily.
ReplyDeleteI think it's normal for you to feel the way you do, because you've been through a lot in the last 3 years. But I also think it's a matter of perspective. When my grandma died, I was devastated because I had always had her in my life. She was old, and she had been ill, and she'd lived a long life. It was a miracle she'd lived so long. And I was relieved she was gone, because she wasn't living her life. She hated being alive. She had been sick for so long that I was relieved she was finally at peace. But it didn't change that I missed her, and that I was devastated to have lost her. She was elderly and lived into her 80s, and we were blessed to have had her for so long. But even knowing that we had a long relationship and that I was blessed to have had a grandmother for 23 years, it didn't change that I was sad. And I don't think it meant that my grief was somehow less important or devastating because she was old, compared to my mom who had lost her mother when she was 12. My mom grieved my grandma, her step-mom, differently from the way I did, because she'd already lost a mother, then her father, then her step-mom. Losing my grandma was the most devastating loss of my life.
ReplyDeleteI don't think you'll ever stop judging when someone elderly dies. Given what you've been through, I think it's natural. But I do think it's all about perspective.
It's easy to understand why you feel this way. You should've had at least 3 or 4 more decades with your mom and your children with their grandmother. It's completely unfair how life played out in your situation.
ReplyDeleteI hear you loud and clear.
ReplyDeleteYou know my story but here's a bit more detail:
I was sad when some of my grandparents died but to different degrees with each and all for very different reasons. I was shocked and afraid when a classmate died in high school b/c that just shouldn't happen - especially not when you're young and think you'll live forever. I feel shocked and afraid when someone my age dies - it could so easily have been me or Tim or someone close to me. I don't feel even remotely impacted by the death of a celebrity (like Dick Clark, per your post a couple days ago).
But I felt cheated when my mom died. I felt like Ada had been cheated. I still feel anger toward her for things that happened or were said (or not said) toward the end of her life. I'm pissed that we'll never, ever work out issues that continue to haunt me. I'm disappointed that her medical care wasn't handled differently and that I couldn't be there to navigate certain things for her.
I realized something else unique when my mom died. I was in the parking lot of an Office Max when it hit me that the one person in my life who (theoretically) would never leave me, would never abandon me and would ALWAYS love me no matter what simply because that's what motherly love is was gone. I cried for an hour in my car. No other death would or could bring these feelings or realizations up. It's totally different.
Sorry for the novel. It's just complex but I know that you, especially you, understand that.
I have actually said that before, about them being old. It's not that you are not showing sympathy (within), its still a grieving part for your mother.
ReplyDeleteI think everyone reacts differently to things and so for some losing someone when they Are old still will be hard but yes it is not even close to the same as what you are going through. My grandmother's funeral really felt more like a celebration of her Life with all of her kids and grandkids together and that was good as she had lived a good full life.
ReplyDeleteYou've gone through so much. It's okay to get a little judgmental. xo
ReplyDeleteI know what you mean. When my grandma died, she was 63 and I was 12 years old. I was fortunate enough to have gotten to know her. But my father was the oldest, my cousins were toddlers, and my youngest uncle was only 30... newly married, and wouldn't have children for another two years.
ReplyDeleteI know not having her around for that devastated not only him, but my father and other uncles. I really wish my cousins could have known our grandma.
There's an old Chinese blessing, "Father dies, son dies, grandson dies." It's a blessing because you wouldn't want it in any other order. I think it's important to keep that perspective.
I am so sorry for your loss. You're not wrong, there IS a time for death, and it is the end of life. Your mother's life was cut short in the middle, and that is horrible. It's never easy to deal with death, and you are not wrong to judge.
After all that you've been through, I think it's okay to feel this way. I get it.
ReplyDeleteLosing a parent at any age is awful. I completely understand your grief.
ReplyDelete