PYHO: All I Want for Christmas

This year, by far, is the Christmas I have most looked forward to.

PJ knows who Santa is.  He knows what presents are, and he is starting to understand Christmas, and all that jazz.  He and Maggie love the Christmas tree.  We had so much fun Christmas shopping for them. I am sure we spent entirely too much, but I don't care.  I love them so much, I want to see their little faces light up, see how excited PJ is when he opens his new train, dinosaur, etc. Maggie's face when she sees her new Minnie Mouse doll that talks to her, her first dollhouse.

I look forward to getting up on Christmas morning and watchng my normally sleepy-eyed, take a few minutes to realize it's morning kids be just bundled in excitment and joy.

Nothing will replace their joy at that moment.

And yet, there is sadness over our Christmas.

This is our first Christmas without John's dad.  It's the last "first" holiday without him, as he's been gone almost a year.  Thanksgiving was rough.   Christmas will be harder.

Christmas with my parents is nothing like it used to be.  My mom always has gone nuts for Christmas.  Ridiculous amounts of presents.  Unfortunately, she got sick before she could have the joy of Christmas with her grandchildren.  She was already unable to wrap or shop like she normally would in 2009, PJ's first Christmas.

We used to go there on Christmas Eve, around 9, have a couple cocktails, some snacks, and open presents.  We'd laugh, and tell stories, and I'd hope upon hope she'd like whatever I got her that year.  John would be flabbergasted at the amount of gifts.  We'd leave around midnight, and she and my stepdad would finish open their gifts from each other.

It's much different now.  We'll be going there at 11 in the morning.  The kids will have gifts that I ordered for her.  We'll have some gifts, but probably most likely gift cards and/or cash.  I told her not to get us anything, but to no avail.  Money and buying us things is the only thing she has control over.   It would upset her if I asked her to stop.

All I want for Christmas is my mom to no longer be suffering.  I don't want  her to go through another month, week, day, hell another MINUTE living this hell on earth that she is enduring.  I can't get what I really want, which is her to be healthy.  So instead I want her to be at peace.

Those of you who have mothers that drive you crazy, or mothers who are making your holiday plans difficult, please stop.  Think.  I would give anything for my mom to be driving me crazy right now. I know it's easy to say this in my situation, but if my mom being well meant she had to drive me crazy every single day, I'd take it.