The Year without Mom

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It hasn't quite been a year.  But for the 55 days of 2012 my mom was alive, she wasn't really.  She couldn't move, speak, eat, communicate in any way except moving her eyes.  So it's been a year, really.

I've learned, discovered, fought, failed, won, and lost a lot in the past year without my mom.

I've learned that you never know how strong you are till being strong is the only choice you have. 

I've discovered that no matter how prepared you think you are to lose your parent, even at such a young age, even after wishing their suffering will end, that all that preparedness you thought you had disappears into nothing when you actually lose that parent.

I've fought with myself.  I've fought my tears at time, fought my emotions at times.  I've fought with the idea of just breaking down and being alone, because I know that my mom wouldn't want that for me.

I've won by keeping her memory alive.  I've won by talking to her every day, by knowing that though I lost her in my life, I gained an angel to watch over me and my kids.

I've lost her advice.  I've lost calling her to tell her about the adorable thing PJ or Maggie did.  I've lost calling her when something happens and I'm not quite sure what to do.  I've lost the excited phone call when the Bears made a big play, or the phone call at 12:01 on NYE wishing me a happy new year.

I've learned that I've never truly experienced heartbreak before.  I know that I will likely experience true heartbreak again in my life, but there is nothing like losing your mother. 

In this year, as well as last year since she was so ill, so many things happened without my mom.

PJ's third birthday.
Easter.
Mother's day.
Memorial Day BBQ.
Father's Day
4th of July (one of her favorite holidays)
Her birthday
My birthday
Maggie's second birthday
John's birthday
Halloween
Our Anniversary
Thanksgiving
St Nick's
Christmas (her FAVORITE holiday)
and NYE.

These are just the significant ones.  These don't include any of the small, everyday, insignificant things.  I missed shopping trips and lunches.  I missed my daily email, text or phone call.  I missed her excited voice when she got the BEST christmas gift for me.   The light in her eyes when she saw her grandkids.  That I never got to feel her hug me.  That my kids never did.  That they won't remember her. 

As we enter 2013, the pain is still there.  It has not faded, or lessened.  My heart still breaks, my eyes still cry, and I still sometimes, forget for just a moment, that she's gone.  I hold on to those fleeting moments.

She'd want me to be happy.  She'd want me to go on living my life, being the best wife, mother, friend and daughter I can be.  And for her, I will.  For the woman who gave me life, the woman who would have given anything for me, I will give her my happiness.  I will grieve her absence of my life every day till my life is over, but I will also cherish every moment.

I love you Mommy.  Happy New Year.





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Stop being a Scrooge

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Christmas is less than two weeks away. 

I'm excited.  I love Christmas. I can't wait to see my kids faces when they come downstairs Christmas morning.  I can't wait to have our first holiday in our new home.

There's something magical about Christmas.  Christmas Eve, even more so.  The anticipation.  The decorations.  The chatting, the family, the friends.  The Christmas tree.

It makes me sad when people are negative about Christmas.

"Ugh, Christmas is going to be here so soon."

"I can't wait till Christmas is over."

"Don't even talk to me about Christmas."

Why?  Why are you so against this wonderful time of year? Did something terrible happen to you on Christmas once?  Are you holding resentment, anger, hurt because of the holiday?

Then I hear the people who are annoyed because they "have to spend time with my family."

This is my first Christmas without my mom. 

My mom loved Christmas.  She loved buying gifts, she loved decoration, she loved wearing festive, sparkly shirts.  She spent way too much money.  She did way too much.  She loved it.  There were 17 containers of indoor decorations in her basement.  Probably about 10 in the garage for outdoor decorations.  It was her favorite time of year.

My heart breaks that she will not be spending Christmas with me this year.  That I haven't gotten to hear her excitement over the gift she got me, that she wants to tell me, but that she will wait.  How much fun she had shopping for PJ and Maggie.  And her asking for help when finding something online.

I had 32 wonderful Christmases with my mom.  She taught me the spirit of the season, the spirit of giving.  She taught me how to make Christmas amazing for my own kids.

So enjoy your time with your family.  Appreciate them in all their craziness.  And family isn't always blood.  Whoever your family is, be grateful you can spend Christmas with them.

Merry Christmas in heaven Mom.

The Right Time.

People are always talking about the "right time" to do things. 

The right time to tell a secret.

The right time to say I love you.

The right time to get married.

The right time to have kids.

I have a dear, dear friend, who's struggling with the "right time" to have kids idea.  She's an amazing person, a fantastic friend, and I have no doubt she will be a phenomenal mother.

I gave her a piece of advice today.   Our friendship is not a mushy mushy one.  We are close; part of our draw to each other was our sarcasm, our mutual annoyance for things, and our fierce loyalty to our friends.  But I told her this:

 You're never going to be ready. There's never going to be a perfect time, a perfect moment. Babies change everything, but they make you look at life differently. They make you love your husband differently. And they make you feel differently. It's the most amazing thing in the world, and there's no good reason to delay that.

To which she replied something along the lines of "bitch, why you gotta make me cry?  That was beautiful."  (paraphrased, because what she actually said is for my eyes only. ;))

I feel like I've aged 20 years in the past 5.  I've loved so much; I've also lost. 

I'd be nothing today without my kids.  My kids were the ones who got me through the hard times.  The ones who could make me smile when I felt like I couldn't go on.  The ones who made me get out of bed in the morning, and the ones, if even only for a minute, could make me forget the sadness.  Forget the pain.  Forget the loss.

My mom waited for the right time to do a lot.  She would tell me that she and my stepdad were finally going to go to Italy one day, when the time was right.  That she'd get a Movado watch, when it was the right time. 

She ran out of time.  She didn't know this would happen, of course.  But she did.  She was the strongest woman I have ever known and she battled her illness with everything she had.  But the one thing she couldn't battle was the loss of time.

We need to stop waiting for the right time.  If you love someone, tell them.  If you have a secret you need help with, tell someone.  If you want to be a mother, be one.  Don't wait.

The right time is the time when it happens.

Rudolph

I have no idea where she gets it...

This morning.

Me:  Come on guys, let's go upstairs.

Maggie, hands shaking back and forth, then on hips:  Wait, wait, wait.  Sighs exhasperatedly.

The attitude this little one has.

No idea where she gets it.

Oh. 

PJ is having trouble understanding the concept of an advent calendar.

PJ:  Mom, I open another chocolate?

Me:  No baby, we do ONE a day.

PJ: Oh.

Five seconds later.

PJ:  Mommy, I open another chocolate NOW??

Me:  No baby tomorrow.

PJ:  Oh.

Move on to the chimney we have where you take out a stick a day, and Santa slowing gets closer and closer to the fireplace.

PJ:  Mommy, I make Santa come into the fireplace?

Me:  No sweetie, just one a day, tomorrow.

PJ:  Mommy, I take another number NOW?

Me:  Sigh.

It's gonna be a long month.

Crying is not a sign of weakness...

A year ago today, I posted this.

She's been gone 9 months now. Nine months and 6 days. I think back to that day.

We left the house because I wanted to see my kids. Because they had to be picked up from the sitter. Because I didn't want to watch my mother, the once beautiful, vibrant, never still woman who raised me, take her last breath.

The call came while we were inside getting the kids.

I knew it was coming. I cried.

We drove the 10 minutes home.

I opened the door to the car and got out. I crumbled.

Thank goodness John was there to catch me.

I sobbed, outside the car, in the arms of my husband, while my children watched me from inside.

Maggie probably didn't get it.

But PJ did. He knew I was sad.

When we finally went in the house, he said "Mommy, are you sad because Grandma is sick?"

"Yes, baby. Grandma was very sick and now she's in heaven."

"You miss her mommy?"

"Yes baby."

"Don't be sad Mommy."

And my then nearly three year old son wipe my tears away and hugged me.

For a long time, I tried to hide my tears from them. But after that? I didn't. Because crying isn't a sign of weakness. It's a sign of trying too hard to be too strong for too long.

  I was strong enough.

It's that time of year...(a giveaway)

When it hits you.

Panic sets in.

What will I do THIS year?

Is it worth it?

How many do I need?

That's right.  I'm talking about...

HOLIDAY CARDS.

Last year, I got our Holiday Photo Cards from Tiny Prints. 

Seriously, isn't it adorable??? I got these cards for FREE because Tiny Prints sponsored my post.  And they are sponsoring this post as well.  But even if they hadn't, I would have still gotten these cards.  They are adorable, well made, and I have never gotten so many compliments on them!

Tiny Prints has a bunch of special offers right now --   you should absolutely go check them out!!
Christmas Cards

Also, one lucky reader will receive $50 off any order.  All you have to do to be entered in the giveaway is comment on this post.  For additional entries into the giveaway, comment on other posts (from any time!) and you will get one extra entry per comment, up to a total of 5 entries.

Last day to enter the giveaway is Monday, November 12.

HAPPY CARD SHOPPING!!