A year ago today, I posted this.
She's been gone 9 months now. Nine months and 6 days.
I think back to that day.
We left the house because I wanted to see my kids. Because they had to be picked up from the sitter. Because I didn't want to watch my mother, the once beautiful, vibrant, never still woman who raised me, take her last breath.
The call came while we were inside getting the kids.
I knew it was coming.
I cried.
We drove the 10 minutes home.
I opened the door to the car and got out.
I crumbled.
Thank goodness John was there to catch me.
I sobbed, outside the car, in the arms of my husband, while my children watched me from inside.
Maggie probably didn't get it.
But PJ did.
He knew I was sad.
When we finally went in the house, he said "Mommy, are you sad because Grandma is sick?"
"Yes, baby. Grandma was very sick and now she's in heaven."
"You miss her mommy?"
"Yes baby."
"Don't be sad Mommy."
And my then nearly three year old son wipe my tears away and hugged me.
For a long time, I tried to hide my tears from them. But after that?
I didn't. Because crying isn't a sign of weakness. It's a sign of trying too hard to be too strong for too long.
I was strong enough.
You were very strong. There is no 'right' way to handle so many of the really tough situations in life. It's not like there are guidelines written somewhere about how to graciously survive the death of a parent. I think you are right to let your children see you be sad. How else will they know that these emotions are normal and alright to express?
ReplyDeleteWe got Feeleez for Ada as an empathy-building, emotion-naming educational tool. I love it.
Last, I have been meaning to email you but you know how it goes... this past September was 3 years that my mom passed. Do you know that the actual day passed without me recognizing it? I know the time, in general, and always will, but the day was just another day. At first, I thought I should feel bad about this but then I saw how this is part of healing for me. I remember her every day, not just the day she died. It gets easier and less painful to remember. That's what I wanted to tell you.
Hugs, mama!
You are such a strong and wonderful woman! And a great mother...I'm sure your mom is watching and so proud of you! Love your new photos by the way!
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